From then until Christmas Matt and I didn't bring up that subject. The subject we had an unspoken agreement to avoid. The subject of our almost-kiss.
I know we both thought about it often. More often than I cared to admit to myself. Even after I realized how much I cared for him, I was still trying to fight my heart.
Matt knew. Somehow I know he knew that I had, indeed, developed feelings for him. Maybe he was more perceptive than I gave him credit for, or maybe I just wasn't hiding it as well as I thought. Yet, even though he was aware of my feelings for him, he didn't pressure me. He must have known there was something more, something I wasn't telling him, but he he waited for me to share it with him when I was ready. For that I was extremely grateful.
It was Christmas Eve. My aunt, Kate, was hosting a Christmas party at her place and told me to invite my friends. I had asked both Anne and Matt to come, though only Matt showed up. I found out later that Anne had received a last minute invitation from Jake (the guy she was obsessed with) to go ice-skating. So of course she never mentioned to him that she had a previous engagement. She did apologize, and even though I knew she didn't really regret it, I forgave her anyway.
My aunt and I have always been close. She's ten years younger than my mom, and ten years older than me. She's not exactly irresponsible, but my mom thinks she needs to act more mature and take things seriously. I don't necessarily agree. I think Kate is a shot of life. I wish I resembled her more. Actually, now that I think about it, she reminds me a lot of Matt.
Tonight her house is decorated with Christmas lights inside and out. She's got icicle lights dangling off the front porch, clear white lights along the roof and on the trees and bushes in the yard, and colored lights lining the garage doors.
Inside there are snowflake decorations on the windows, a little miniature village across her counter top all lit up with white lights, and an enormous Christmas tree in the living room. It's beautiful. This is my favorite time of year. I love seeing everyone in the Christmas spirit.
Making my way through the house, I find Matt in the kitchen. He's talking to Kate's boyfriend, Thomas. They're hovering over the snack table. I smile at Thomas and move around Matt to get some punch. There's so much dessert on the table it's overwhelming. Most of it I can't eat, being gluten-intolerant, but I notice a few plates labeled "Gluten-Free" and I smile. Kate remembered me.
As usual. Leaving Matt and Thomas to their chatter, I head to the living room to sit in front of the fireplace and drink my lime green punch. Most everyone is in the den playing a game I've never heard of. It's mainly family here, though Kate invited a few of her close friends.
Just then she comes in from the other room and sees me sitting there. She grins like she's up to something. I shoot her a quizzical look, but she's already disappeared into the other room. Strange. But knowing her, it could be anything.
"I was going to ask if you wanted some hot chocolate, but I see you've got punch," Matt says, sitting down next to me.
"Yeah. Thanks anyway, though. Did you get some?"
"A little bit. I think I sampled every dessert on the table," he says, laughing. "Thomas seems cool." He starts to roll the sleeves up on his shirt. It's a hunter green cardigan over a white dress shirt. He must be getting warm by the fire.
"He is," I say. "Actually, I think he's planning to propose soon. Everyone except Kate already knows." Just then Kate comes back in. When she sees us she gets this huge grin on her face.
"Do you know where you're sitting?" she asks, as if she's about to reveal some great secret.
"Um, by the fireplace?" I say it like a question. I have no idea what she's getting at. She laughs joyfully. At that moment my parents and a few of my cousins come into the room.
"No," she says. "You are both sitting directly under the mistletoe!" I'm not sure what my face looks like when she says this. I imagine it may appear to be frozen. Not a single feature changing. Then I feel my cheeks warming and I know I'm blushing. I never blush. Ever.
I slowly turn to look at Matt. He's smiling shyly. I've never seen him shy. His eyes seem to inquire: "Is this okay?" For once in my life I don't think. I don't analyze the situation. I don't debate whether I should do this or that. No logic. No reason. I let my heart come out.
I lean slowly toward him, closing my eyes. My heart hammers against my chest. My stomach ties itself into knots. Butterflies? No. A flock of seagulls is more like it.
I feel the warmth of his hand as he touches my cheek. And then, so very gently, he kisses me.
This isn't one of those moments where suddenly it feels as if we're the only two people on earth. I'm distinctly aware of everyone in the room staring at us. But I don't care. I feel like this moment has been building up for a long time. And now that it's happening, it's not what I expected. I don't know what I'd been expecting exactly, but this isn't it. I wasn't expecting to feel so...alive.
It feels like an eternity has passed, but in reality it's only been a few seconds when we lean back and look at each other. Everyone else starts cheering and clapping and I feel my face getting red again. Matt reaches for my hand. This time I let him.
Standing on the back porch, I breathe in the cold air. I needed some space. My cousins kept jabbing me about the kiss and asking when the wedding was going to be. I'm already having a hard enough time trying to deal with all these feelings that have come to the surface so forcefully. It's a lot to process.
The back door opens and Matt walks over to stand next to me.
"Your aunt said she saw you come out here. I wasn't sure whether I should come out or not. I thought you might want to be alone." I look at him and smile. "I do want to be alone," I say. "You can stay." He leans on his arms against the railing, looking very content. I rest my head on his shoulder.
"You know," I begin, knowing that I've got to get this out. "Somehow, and I haven't figured it out yet, but somehow you knew. You knew I'd end up falling for you. And it's not that I didn't want to, exactly. I was just...afraid. I realize that now. I fought it for so long because I was afraid of falling in love again." He straightens and looks right at me. "Someone broke your heart." He doesn't say it like a question. He knows.
"Yes," I say, remembering. "It was a long time ago. About three years, I guess. But I remember it so clearly. I'd been dating someone for almost a year. He was older than me. Not much, but still. He told me he loved me. He said he was going to marry me someday. Stupidly, I believed him. Then one summer he went to visit some friends. At first he called me almost every night. Then he called less and less, until he didn't call at all anymore. He broke up with me the day after he got back with no explanation. I didn't understand why. I didn't know what had happened, why he'd changed his mind about me. I tried calling him, but he wouldn't answer.
"I came to see Kate and told her everything, with tears flooding my eyes. She got pissed. I still don't know how she found out, and she was incredibly reluctant to tell me, but I demanded to know every detail. She said he'd met someone else, and that they had....hooked up. I guess he got tired of me because I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I knew he wasn't the kind of guy I deserved, but it still hurt so badly. The rejection... Later I found out he'd gotten her pregnant and ended up working at McDonald's to support her and the baby. So I am glad that wasn't me.
"But I was still afraid to open my heart to anyone else after that. I was afraid I'd get hurt, rejected, left... And I didn't think I could deal with it again." I've tried to remain composed as I share this painful part of me with him. He's the only person I've ever talked to about it other than Kate and my parents. I never told Anne.
Matt is quiet, a sad look in his eyes. It's more than sad, it's empathetic. I bite my lip, fighting to keep my composure, which I've pretty much already lost. Matt opens his arms and I fall against him, letting the tears flow freely.
He holds me in silence, allowing me time to not be okay. I like that I don't always have to be okay when I'm with him. I can be myself. My real self. He doesn't expect something from me that I'm not capable of giving. He never has. That's why he waited so long. He realized I couldn't give him the love he longed for at the time he hoped for it. But he knew one day I'd be ready. He cared enough to wait for that day.
When I've finally managed to gain control of my emotions, I pull back and breathe in a slightly shaky breath of cold air.
"Bay," he says, taking my small, cold hand in his strong, warm one. "I know you already know this, but I'm not that guy. I'm not going to do that to you. I promise you that. I care about you more than you can imagine. I'm so sorry that he broke your heart. He's a jerk. You deserve a lot better than that. If you'll let me, I'll prove to you that there are still gentlemen left in the world. We can take it slow. Will you give us a chance?" This is it. The moment to decide. Will I give us a chance? Listen to my heart, even though it's been broken before? Will I risk it being broken again?
I look up at Matthew. Handsome, funny, energetic, spontaneous Matthew. Green eyes. Strong arms. And that smile. The same one that's always there. I smile at him and say, "Yes."
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