In the spirit of "Trying Something New," (lame name, I know. I'll have to come up with a better one eventually) I have indeed tried some new things this year. I'll list a few.
First off, of course, is writing blog posts. I've always really liked to write. Even when I was a kid I loved making up short stories and writing them down. They've definitely improved over the years. Writing is how I sort of detach myself from everything that goes on in my life or in my mind. It's like an escape, even if only for a little while.
I've never really put my stuff out there for people to read freely, and even though no one really views this blog, it's still kinda scary to think that anyone can come and read what I've written. Because those words are part of me. They come from my mind, my heart.
Some other things I've tried are different kinds of food. Now this isn't something that excites me.I'm not usually like, "Yeah! I want to try that green, slimey looking thing!" I'm just not like that. I have some different food allergies, which I think contribute to my apprehension when it comes to trying new foods. But, for the most part, I think I'm getting better. I have tried:
-Guacamole
-Kefir (definitely recommend that!)
-Kombucha Tea
-Cod
-Tofu (...it wasn't bad.)
-Sushi (I actually thought it was pretty good.)
Here's a list of books I've read so far this year with my 1-5 star rating:
-The Selection by Kiera Cass ~4
-Unending Devotion by Jody Hedlund ~2.5
-Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert ~2
-Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks ~3
-When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy ~3.5
-The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald ~2.5
-The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han ~0
-The Halflings by Heather Burch ~3
-The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks ~3
-Sever by Lauren DeStefano ~4.5
-Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling ~3
-The Elite by Kiera Cass ~4
-Mila 2.0 by Debra Driza ~4.5
-Matched by Ally Condie ~ 2.5
-Crossed by Ally Condie ~2.5
-Reached by Ally Condie ~2.5
A list of movies I've seen in theaters this year, also with my 1-5 star rating:
-Rise of the Guardians ~4
-The Hobbit ~3.5
-Oz, The Great and Powerful ~4.5
-The Host ~5
-The Croods ~3
-Iron Man 3 ~4.5
-Star Trek: Into Darkness ~5
-Now You See Me ~5
-Man of Steel ~5
I've also read some pretty cool blogs recently that I'll link here in case you want to check them out.
Absolutely loved this one. Could definitely relate. http://vmipsychmajor.tumblr.com/post/44836013681/musings-from-the-desert-whats-the-point-of
There were most assuredly some things in here that stood out to me and really clicked. http://www.amandaroose.com/2013/the-messy-side-of-transition/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=the-messy-side-of-transition
This one really hits the nail on the head, I think, when it comes to the whole "modesty" thing. Great blog. http://tellmewhytheworldisweird.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-male-equivalent-to-modesty.html
Here's a look at "modesty" from a mom's perspective. Good read. http://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2013/06/27/enough-already-with-the-modesty-purity-hype/
Though I haven't been to a lot of different places, or tried anything incredibly exciting, such as hot air ballooning or sky diving or bungee jumping, I think I've got a good start.
There are so many places that I want to go, things I want to see and experience, and sometimes it feels like I'll never get to do all the things I want to. But I hope that I'll have the opportunity to embark on some great adventures at some point in my life.
If you somehow come across this blog, feel free to leave a comment. (But please be nice :)
PEACE. LOVE. BACON.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
A Series of Events
I remember that day. It was a grey day. Chilly for late Spring. Pouring rain.
It started off so warm and sunny, perfect weather for that time of year, so when the dark, angry clouds moved in so suddenly, it took me by surprise. First yellow, then grey.
I stand inside the book store, pondering whether I should make a mad dash for my truck or remain where I am to wait out the rain. I've almost made up my mind to make a break for it when the door opens. I jump back a few steps to move out of the way. Droplets of water splash onto my arms when the boy shakes his long, bleach-blond hair. I find that annoying. Can't he see me standing here? Though I feel invisible, I know I'm not. I push up my thick-rimmed glasses with my middle finger, tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and clear my throat to try and get his attention. He still stands exactly where he came through the door. I'm still planning to swim across the parking lot to my truck, and he's in my way.
His head jerks up at the sound of my throat-clearing. Wet hair is plastered across half his face, hiding his right eye from view. I see that his other eye is green. A mesmerizing color. For a moment I forget that I am annoyed at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your way?" he asks, sounding oblivious.
"Just a bit," I reply, not smiling at all. His dark eyebrows tug together, as if he's trying to understand me and not succeeding. I open my mouth to complain that he got me wet, shaking his head all over the place like a dog who'd just gotten a bath, but he appears so innocent-looking that I shut my mouth and smile slightly. With hair covering his eye, he probably hadn't noticed me standing there when he came in. I remind myself to try not to be so hard on people.
I move around him and am about to push the door open and venture out into the flood when he catches me by surprise, saying, "Don't you want to wait until it slacks off?" I turn to face him. "Well..." I don't really have anything else to say. It's not like I have somewhere to be. No one is really waiting on me.
He smiles, tilts his head in the direction of the built-in coffee shop and says, "Stay for a bit. Just until it stops raining. I'll buy you something to drink to make up for splashing water on you." Ah. So he'd noticed. I squint at him for a second, debating. He doesn't look like an axe murderer or a psychopath. He just looks like a wet boy trying to be nice.
Sighing, I nod my head in agreement. Besides, I am secretly armed with a taser in case of emergencies. So for the most part, I suppose I feel fairly safe.
I remember thinking that, apart from his eyes, this boy isn't very attractive. I could tell from his dark eyebrows that blond was not his natural hair color. It was much too long for my taste. He kept flipping his head to the side to get his hair out of his eyes, which annoyed me, but I tried not to focus on that.
I got a chance to study his profile a little while he ordered the drinks and I sat at one of the tables near the window. He wasn't tall. He wasn't short either. He wasn't skinny, but he wasn't overweight either. I could tell that he didn't work out, but he also didn't look like the couch potato type. I'm bad at guessing people's ages, so I couldn't tell how old he was. I thought he looked a little younger than me. Maybe a year or two. I guessed he had probably already graduated from high school. Was he in college? Was he working a summer job? This is what I do. I try to figure people out. I try to understand them. I analyze them.
"I got you a scone. The barista said they were made fresh within the hour," the green-eyed boy says, sitting down across from me. I wince. "That was very nice of you, but I can't eat that." He looks confused. I explain further. "I'm gluten-intolerant."
"Oh geez, I'm sorry. I should have asked." He does look sorry. I shake my head and wave my hand in the air, waving the mistake away. "Thanks for the coffee," I say, offering a small smile in his direction. "Look at this; you bought me coffee and I don't even know your name." I don't offer him mine first.
"My name is Matt. Conally. Matt Conally." He smiles again. He seems to give it freely, no strings attached. It's like he has no reason to withhold it.
"Bailey," I say, and this time, I smile back.
It started off so warm and sunny, perfect weather for that time of year, so when the dark, angry clouds moved in so suddenly, it took me by surprise. First yellow, then grey.
I stand inside the book store, pondering whether I should make a mad dash for my truck or remain where I am to wait out the rain. I've almost made up my mind to make a break for it when the door opens. I jump back a few steps to move out of the way. Droplets of water splash onto my arms when the boy shakes his long, bleach-blond hair. I find that annoying. Can't he see me standing here? Though I feel invisible, I know I'm not. I push up my thick-rimmed glasses with my middle finger, tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, and clear my throat to try and get his attention. He still stands exactly where he came through the door. I'm still planning to swim across the parking lot to my truck, and he's in my way.
His head jerks up at the sound of my throat-clearing. Wet hair is plastered across half his face, hiding his right eye from view. I see that his other eye is green. A mesmerizing color. For a moment I forget that I am annoyed at him.
"Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your way?" he asks, sounding oblivious.
"Just a bit," I reply, not smiling at all. His dark eyebrows tug together, as if he's trying to understand me and not succeeding. I open my mouth to complain that he got me wet, shaking his head all over the place like a dog who'd just gotten a bath, but he appears so innocent-looking that I shut my mouth and smile slightly. With hair covering his eye, he probably hadn't noticed me standing there when he came in. I remind myself to try not to be so hard on people.
I move around him and am about to push the door open and venture out into the flood when he catches me by surprise, saying, "Don't you want to wait until it slacks off?" I turn to face him. "Well..." I don't really have anything else to say. It's not like I have somewhere to be. No one is really waiting on me.
He smiles, tilts his head in the direction of the built-in coffee shop and says, "Stay for a bit. Just until it stops raining. I'll buy you something to drink to make up for splashing water on you." Ah. So he'd noticed. I squint at him for a second, debating. He doesn't look like an axe murderer or a psychopath. He just looks like a wet boy trying to be nice.
Sighing, I nod my head in agreement. Besides, I am secretly armed with a taser in case of emergencies. So for the most part, I suppose I feel fairly safe.
I remember thinking that, apart from his eyes, this boy isn't very attractive. I could tell from his dark eyebrows that blond was not his natural hair color. It was much too long for my taste. He kept flipping his head to the side to get his hair out of his eyes, which annoyed me, but I tried not to focus on that.
I got a chance to study his profile a little while he ordered the drinks and I sat at one of the tables near the window. He wasn't tall. He wasn't short either. He wasn't skinny, but he wasn't overweight either. I could tell that he didn't work out, but he also didn't look like the couch potato type. I'm bad at guessing people's ages, so I couldn't tell how old he was. I thought he looked a little younger than me. Maybe a year or two. I guessed he had probably already graduated from high school. Was he in college? Was he working a summer job? This is what I do. I try to figure people out. I try to understand them. I analyze them.
"I got you a scone. The barista said they were made fresh within the hour," the green-eyed boy says, sitting down across from me. I wince. "That was very nice of you, but I can't eat that." He looks confused. I explain further. "I'm gluten-intolerant."
"Oh geez, I'm sorry. I should have asked." He does look sorry. I shake my head and wave my hand in the air, waving the mistake away. "Thanks for the coffee," I say, offering a small smile in his direction. "Look at this; you bought me coffee and I don't even know your name." I don't offer him mine first.
"My name is Matt. Conally. Matt Conally." He smiles again. He seems to give it freely, no strings attached. It's like he has no reason to withhold it.
"Bailey," I say, and this time, I smile back.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat
I'm sure a lot of people have heard of "Sweet Brown" and seen the video on YouTube or somewhere else along the internet. It's been redone to make it a funny video, but I can't help but think about this one phrase, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat," a little bit differently now.
The thing is, what do we have time for? Seriously, think about that for a second. (Did you think about it?) Think about the concept of time. Do you know exactly how much of it you have? I don't. I don't know at all. And I guess the reason I think of that phrase differently now is because when a person in your family dies before they've become old and grey, it makes you think about time differently. It makes you think about life in a way that you may not have thought of before. And I really don't want to waste mine.
How many things do we do, how many things do we spend so much time on, that when we get to the end of our lives...it won't even matter at all? What do our lives consist of? I wonder how many silly things we get so caught up in and so worked up over that don't even matter...
If I were to take a look at how much time I spend on useless things, I'd probably be pretty embarrassed. And I'd be sad that I'm not putting the time I've been given to good purpose. So I guess it's "time" to make some changes. Do things differently. Figure out what's really important. What's worth my time? What's worth your time?
So love your loved ones while you can. Laugh and have fun and be happy with those closest to you, and be kind to those who aren't. Because life is too short to waste time on regrets. Say what you want to say while you can still say it. If you love someone, tell them. If someone is important to you, make time for them. You never know how much you have left.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Feeling Unworthy
There are times when I feel like shick. Like I'm literally a piece of crap. That I can't do anything right, anything good. That there is nothing good in me at all.
There are times when I mess up so bad I just want to crawl into a dark space and roll up in a tiny little ball and stay there because I don't want to face anyone or anything.
And I wonder how God can bear to look at me when I can't bear to look at myself. I wonder how He can still have such amazing, unconditional, unending LOVE for me....for ME. It boggles my mind. I am a worthless piece of shick, and yet, for some unfathomable reason, the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all that exists, loves and died for....me.
I don't deserve love. I don't deserve acceptance. I want those things, yes. I yearn for those things, but I'm unworthy of them. I've done despicable things. Things I'd be ashamed and embarrassed if anyone knew about them. Things I wish I could undo. Things I regret. And no matter what, those things will always be in my past. They will always be there trying to convince me that God doesn't love me; God can't possibly forgive me; I'm worthless. And though I know that's not true, all the lies come flying back at me when I make another mistake. Because I'm human, flawed, and I will make mistakes. I wish I didn't, and I regret them the minute after I've made them, but to think that we can go through life without making mistakes is unrealistic. I know that, but I still get extremely upset with myself when I mess up. Like tonight. Because I messed up. And I feel unworthy of any of the blessings I've been given, and unworthy of any future blessings. And I don't know how God is so merciful and gracious and forgiving. I don't understand it. But He is.
Even though I know God forgives and His mercies are new every morning, I still feel like dirt. Undeserving. Unlovable. Worthless. But I know that if I continue to believe those things, I'll be sucked into Satan's trap and he'd be having a blast with that. So I won't let him win. I'll pray. I'll get down on my knees and ask the God of the universe to please, in His mercy, wash me of the filthy dirt I'm covered in, to forgive my sinfulness and shape me into the person He wants me to be.
Though I'm feeling unworthy now, I won't stay in this place. I won't let my weak, sinfulness prosper. I won't let it win. I will keep fighting back. And I'll use this to learn by. I don't want to make the same mistake again. But even now, in this dark moment, God's love and grace shines through. Like a beacon. Calling me to Himself. He's calling to you, too. Will you go to Him?
There are times when I mess up so bad I just want to crawl into a dark space and roll up in a tiny little ball and stay there because I don't want to face anyone or anything.
And I wonder how God can bear to look at me when I can't bear to look at myself. I wonder how He can still have such amazing, unconditional, unending LOVE for me....for ME. It boggles my mind. I am a worthless piece of shick, and yet, for some unfathomable reason, the Creator of the universe, the Lord of all that exists, loves and died for....me.
I don't deserve love. I don't deserve acceptance. I want those things, yes. I yearn for those things, but I'm unworthy of them. I've done despicable things. Things I'd be ashamed and embarrassed if anyone knew about them. Things I wish I could undo. Things I regret. And no matter what, those things will always be in my past. They will always be there trying to convince me that God doesn't love me; God can't possibly forgive me; I'm worthless. And though I know that's not true, all the lies come flying back at me when I make another mistake. Because I'm human, flawed, and I will make mistakes. I wish I didn't, and I regret them the minute after I've made them, but to think that we can go through life without making mistakes is unrealistic. I know that, but I still get extremely upset with myself when I mess up. Like tonight. Because I messed up. And I feel unworthy of any of the blessings I've been given, and unworthy of any future blessings. And I don't know how God is so merciful and gracious and forgiving. I don't understand it. But He is.
Even though I know God forgives and His mercies are new every morning, I still feel like dirt. Undeserving. Unlovable. Worthless. But I know that if I continue to believe those things, I'll be sucked into Satan's trap and he'd be having a blast with that. So I won't let him win. I'll pray. I'll get down on my knees and ask the God of the universe to please, in His mercy, wash me of the filthy dirt I'm covered in, to forgive my sinfulness and shape me into the person He wants me to be.
Though I'm feeling unworthy now, I won't stay in this place. I won't let my weak, sinfulness prosper. I won't let it win. I will keep fighting back. And I'll use this to learn by. I don't want to make the same mistake again. But even now, in this dark moment, God's love and grace shines through. Like a beacon. Calling me to Himself. He's calling to you, too. Will you go to Him?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)