Memories. Aren't they a strange thing? It's strange to think about. Something could happen and we could wake up one day with no memories at all. No connection to the past. To the people we knew. We could forget it all.
I don't want to forget.
When it rains, I want to remember that day. When I pass by a bowling alley, I want to remember that day. On Sundays, I want to remember all the Sundays I spent with Matt and Anne, having lunch together.
A couple weeks after the night at the bowling alley, Matt started coming to church. The first time he came, I was surprised at seeing him. His hair was pulled back neatly, no lose strands trying to fly away. He wore a pair of khaki pants and a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up a bit. Anne saw him first; she was facing the door. Waving him over, she smiled and welcomed him. I smiled, too.
After the service was over Anne suggested that the three of us go out for lunch. I shot her a look. Was she trying to force me together with Matt? But I brushed it off and agreed anyway.
Sunday lunches with Matt and Anne became normal for me. After a while it became something I looked forward to. Spending so much time with other people, it was...unusual for me. For so long I had been a loner, someone who's used to doing things on her own. In the beginning it wasn't by choice; I just didn't have any friends. I wasn't sure how to go about making any. Then I'd gotten used to being by myself. It was hard to break that mold. But after some time of being around other human beings, I realized how much I'd missed it.
"Let's go shopping!" Matt says at lunch one Sunday. It's late August, almost September. We sit at a table in a small bistro. Anne is to my left, Matt to my right.
"Shopping?" I ask, skeptical. "Why do we need to go shopping?"
"Don't discourage the boy!" Anne, who adores shopping, says.
"Because we're going to the beach, and I need some new clothes, that's why," Matt answers, grinning mischievously. I am very confused. "Since when are we going to the beach?" I ask. This is the first I've heard about it.
"Well, since I'm going to be going off to school soon, I think we should go to the beach before summer is officially over. I've been secretly planning it for a while." His eyes gleam like a little kid. I look at Anne to see if she knew about this. I can't tell, she just looks ecstatic. "I don't know..." I begin, but I don't get very far.
"Come on! It'll be a blast! And it's only for a few days," Matt says. He tilts his head to the side and pretends to pout.
"Bailey, this is the beach we're talking about here!" Anne pipes in. "And besides, Rock is coming too. That's the only reason my parents are letting me go." Ah, so she did know. Rock is her older brother, and I still don't know why they call him that. Anne and Matt are the same age, both a year and a half younger than me. I wouldn't need my parents' permission to go, but I'm still not sure. Granted, the beach is only about an hour away, and I haven't been in a very long time. As I consider it, a little voice in the back of my mind whispers, "Do it! Go! Live a little. Be spontaneous for a change!" Matt still looks at me hopefully. I crack.
"Alright! Fine. I'll go."
"Anne, what do you think about this one?" Matt is holding up a horrible looking mustard-yellow short-sleeve button up shirt for Anne to inspect. It has a weird maroon triangle pattern all over it. We decided on shopping after all.
She makes a face like she's in pain. By the looks of that shirt, it's quite possible she is.
"Ugh, Matt! That's gross." She shakes her head and says, "Get Bailey to help you while I go look for flip-flops." And with that, she's gone.
"Is it really that bad?" he asks me, obviously oblivious to his lack of fashion sense.
"Um, yeah, it really is that bad." I can't help but laugh at him. "Maybe tone it down just a little. Or, well, maybe a lot. Try something like this," I say, grabbing a light blue shirt in the same style; short-sleeve button up, but without the loud colors and awkward triangle pattern. "And if you're willing to try it," I say, "maybe go with something a bit classier than cut-offs and tie-dye." I smile at him. He laughs and smiles back. "I think it's worth a shot," he says, scanning through a rack of clothes. I help him pick out a few shirts that I think will look good on him. "Stripes are usually a win, as long as they're neutral colors, and plaid works most of the time, as long as it isn't like, yellow and pink or something," I tell him, laughing a little, because I could definitely see him wearing something like that.
"Right, got it. Pink and yellow plaid - not good."
After we've looked around and picked out a few more things, I say, "Okay, I guess you can go try all those on now."
I wait outside the dressing room. It's not long before he comes out, modeling the first outfit. The shirt is the light blue button up I picked out. He's also got on a pair of grey shorts, much nicer-looking than cut-offs.
"So? What do you think?" he says, spinning around and striking a model-type pose. I laugh. "I think it looks really good. I like the combination. Let's see the other ones." He dances off, back to the dressing room. A couple more minutes and he's back out wearing the second outfit. This time he's got on a grey and green striped pocket shirt and a pair of navy shorts that are rolled up a couple times.
"How do I look?" he asks. I smile slightly. He sounds a little unsure.
"Don't worry, you look great. I like the stripes. How many more have you got left?"
"Just one," he says, heading back to the dressing room. The next time he emerges he's wearing a maroon short-sleeve shirt that has a few buttons at the throat and a pocket on the left. The sleeves are rolled up a bit. That's when I notice his arms. They are definitely larger than when I first met him. His muscles stand out, making him look sort of buff. I shake my head, realizing that I've been staring.
"Well? How do you like this one?" he asks.
"Um. Oh, I like it a lot. Maroon is a good color on you, and it goes well with the tan pants." The pants are rolled up a few inches on the bottom, apparently the style this year.
Once Matt is back into the clothes he came in, we head off to the shoes department. Anne is still there.
"What have you been doing this whole time?" I ask her.
"Trying on shoes, duh," she says, like it should be obvious.
"I thought you were just looking for flip-flops," Matt says, laughing.
"I was, and I found some. But then I saw a pair of flats that I had to try on. They're the cutest things! But I couldn't find my size so I went to ask the salesperson if they had any more, and he was taking a really long time, but finally he came back out with the shoes. So I tried them on and loved them! I decided to get those, too. And then after that I saw these cute running shoes, so now I'm trying them on." I just blink.
"Anne, you don't run," I tell her, as if that will make any difference.
"Well, I might, if I had some super cute shoes to run in," she says, smiling. Far be it from me to get between the woman and her shoes.
"Right, well, you do that while Bailey and I go look over here," Matt says, taking my arm and leading me off to the Men's section. I think Anne's shoe obsession scares him. I know how he feels.
Matt already has flip-flops, so I suggest boat shoes. He actually really likes them, which surprises me. I thought he would insist on Chucks, or something like that. We've narrowed it down to either navy blue or a reddish color called Red Nubuck.
"Which do you like best?" I ask Matt. He seems to ponder this for a moment, then says, "I think the red. What do you think?"
"Yeah, I think so too."
I decide to get a couple pairs of shorts while we're here. It doesn't take me long to choose some brown plaid, some blue striped shorts, and a pair of light green crop pants that Anne talked me into getting. But no matter how hard she pushed, I would not hear of purchasing the bikini she wanted me to get to match hers. Finally we're finished and ready to go. Once we're back in Matt's jeep, I ask, "So when are we going to the beach exactly?" I can't believe I'm just now asking.
"Next weekend," Matt answers. "We'll leave Friday morning and come back Sunday afternoon." I feel something slowly swelling up inside of me. It's small at first, but it grows steadily larger. It's excitement.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Life Is Messy
Sometimes people don't want to talk about it.
Maybe if we pretend it isn't there, no one will know about it.
What? That you're life isn't perfect? That you don't have it all figured out? That you don't have all the answers? That you're actually...........human!? *GASP!*
So what? Life is messy. Life can get ugly sometimes. Life hurts. That's just the way it is. And I know we've all heard it a bazillion times, but, life isn't fair. It's not. It won't ever be fair. (Until Jesus comes back. ;))
So why do we act like it's not okay to not be okay? Why do we hide behind our fake smiles and lie when people ask us how we're doing? What is so terrible about being honest?
The thing is, nobody is ever okay 100% of the time. Maybe not even 75% or 50% of the time. Life is crazy and messy and unpredictable and we've got no choice but to try to somehow get through those difficult times. We're not always going to know where we're going. We're not always going to be happy. Times will be bad. They'll suck ass. Everyone goes through crap at one point or another. So why try to hide it all the time?
It's okay to not be okay.
If I ask how you're doing, it's because I want to know. Because I actually care. It's not some pleasantry, or just, you know, shooting the breeze. Just small talk. (I hate small talk.) I ask because you're important to me and I hope you feel comfortable enough to share parts of your life with me. If you're having a crappy day and feel like shit, I want to know. I want to be there to offer a listening ear. I want you to know that someone understands. And even if it's something that, maybe I can't understand personally, I still want to be there to the best of my ability. Offer support. Or the least I could do is buy you coffee. Or, I don't know, some chicken.
I think christians especially have this mindset or whatever that it's not "normal" or "acceptable" to be without answers. For some reason we think we're supposed to be the ones with all the answers. We're supposed to be the ones out there saving souls, so we should never feel lost ourselves. We should never be not okay. We should never be depressed. We should never be unjoyful. We should never have doubts. How will anyone ever see Jesus in us if we're depressed? How will the world see God's love in us if we're unhappy for a millisecond? Aren't we supposed to have our acts together? Aren't we supposed to possess superhuman powers that prevent anything bad from happening to us? We're not supposed to be capable of experiencing things like despair, pain, loss, discouragement, anguish, sorrow, misery, dejection. We're supposed to always think positive thoughts and always have something encouraging to say.
Right?
WRONG!
Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Because you see, bad things do happen to good people. I don't know why. I'll never know why. I don't think anyone knows why. But that's part of life. I wish it wasn't. I really wish it wasn't. And sometimes there just isn't anything encouraging to say. Sometimes it seems like there aren't any positive things to think about. And sometimes we are broken.
And that is okay too.
Maybe if we pretend it isn't there, no one will know about it.
What? That you're life isn't perfect? That you don't have it all figured out? That you don't have all the answers? That you're actually...........human!? *GASP!*
So what? Life is messy. Life can get ugly sometimes. Life hurts. That's just the way it is. And I know we've all heard it a bazillion times, but, life isn't fair. It's not. It won't ever be fair. (Until Jesus comes back. ;))
So why do we act like it's not okay to not be okay? Why do we hide behind our fake smiles and lie when people ask us how we're doing? What is so terrible about being honest?
The thing is, nobody is ever okay 100% of the time. Maybe not even 75% or 50% of the time. Life is crazy and messy and unpredictable and we've got no choice but to try to somehow get through those difficult times. We're not always going to know where we're going. We're not always going to be happy. Times will be bad. They'll suck ass. Everyone goes through crap at one point or another. So why try to hide it all the time?
It's okay to not be okay.
If I ask how you're doing, it's because I want to know. Because I actually care. It's not some pleasantry, or just, you know, shooting the breeze. Just small talk. (I hate small talk.) I ask because you're important to me and I hope you feel comfortable enough to share parts of your life with me. If you're having a crappy day and feel like shit, I want to know. I want to be there to offer a listening ear. I want you to know that someone understands. And even if it's something that, maybe I can't understand personally, I still want to be there to the best of my ability. Offer support. Or the least I could do is buy you coffee. Or, I don't know, some chicken.
I think christians especially have this mindset or whatever that it's not "normal" or "acceptable" to be without answers. For some reason we think we're supposed to be the ones with all the answers. We're supposed to be the ones out there saving souls, so we should never feel lost ourselves. We should never be not okay. We should never be depressed. We should never be unjoyful. We should never have doubts. How will anyone ever see Jesus in us if we're depressed? How will the world see God's love in us if we're unhappy for a millisecond? Aren't we supposed to have our acts together? Aren't we supposed to possess superhuman powers that prevent anything bad from happening to us? We're not supposed to be capable of experiencing things like despair, pain, loss, discouragement, anguish, sorrow, misery, dejection. We're supposed to always think positive thoughts and always have something encouraging to say.
Right?
WRONG!
Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Because you see, bad things do happen to good people. I don't know why. I'll never know why. I don't think anyone knows why. But that's part of life. I wish it wasn't. I really wish it wasn't. And sometimes there just isn't anything encouraging to say. Sometimes it seems like there aren't any positive things to think about. And sometimes we are broken.
And that is okay too.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
"You're not alone."
I've heard that a lot. Kinda sounds like crap to me.
Maybe it sounds like crap to you too. Maybe, I don't know, you've tried talking to someone about what's bothering you, about how you feel, and they say something like that. Like, "I completely understand. I know how you feel. But trust me, you're not alone."
And maybe some people are really great and they try to be there for you and check up on you and see how you're doing, asking if you need anything. Maybe they really do understand, empathizing with you because maybe they've been there too. If so, that's awesome.
But what about those of us who really are alone? Or those who are surrounded by people on all sides, yet feel alone? Those suffering from depression brought on by such heavy loneliness? And maybe you feel like that. Like there isn't anything you can do about it, as if it's beyond your control. Maybe you've tried everything you know to do, but you just can't get involved socially, or you just can't make friends, or you just can't seem to engage in conversation with other people because you feel really awkward in groups or crowds.
So what do you do?
Well, I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. If I did I'd be using it myself. I don't think there's any kind of magic solution or system, no specific formula to use to build friendships or get people to invite you to social events. Some people are just "people people" and everyone seems to flock to them, somehow sensing this invisible vibe or, gosh, I don't even know. They just always have a lot of friends and make new ones easily. And then there are those of us who have very few to no friends and we're trying everything we know to do to maintain or find friends, create a social circle (or semi-circle, or even a quarter of a circle...). So what's the difference? Is it that they have a "better" personality? Maybe they're more approachable, more friendly, outgoing, extroverted, etc. Is that it? Hmm, I'm not so sure.
And what if you try to express these thoughts to someone else? (Or maybe there isn't anyone for you to express your thoughts to.) So maybe you spend half an hour talking about how you just feel so alone and you get the above line. The, "I know how you feel, but don't worry about it, you're not alone." How the heck would they freakin know? They're not you. They don't know what thoughts go through your head. Like I said, maybe there are some people who really do get it, maybe some people do understand, and that's cool. Great. Really swell.
But a lot of times, that's just something people say to try to make you feel better.
But it doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.
Know why? I'll tell you why. It's because after you spend all this time trying to convey your feelings to someone, and they know what's bothering you, the majority of the time, nothing changes. Things go right back to the way they were. You're still alone. Still friendless. That person that you spent so much time talking to, pouring out your feelings, they just feed you some stupid line and then go on their way, continue with their life and don't bother with you anymore. It's like what you just told them means absolutely nothing.
What is wrong with this picture?
Think about this for a second, especially in the context of spiritual fellowship and one of the biggest principles of Christianity. What was the first thing God observed about Adam, his first human creation? That it wasn't good for man to be alone. Now really think about that. Adam had close fellowship with God himself. Adam already had God, right there, his very own Creator. Yet, God still said that it wasn't good for man to be alone. Funny, don't you think, that God would say that, even though he was right there with Adam. I think it's because we were made to need and desire human relationships. Trying to go through life without friends, especially those who share faith in Jesus, brothers and sisters in Christ, is extremely difficult. I'd even go so far as to say it's dangerous. Not only can loneliness lead to depression and mental unhealthiness, but it's not very fun or enjoyable. Isn't the second greatest commandment to love others? There's a huge emphasis on love.
John 13:34 - A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
And the importance of friendships:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 - Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
But then we come back to the question of: What if I have no one to sharpen my iron? (So to speak.) And again I am without answer. It's really sad though, to consider that so many people out there are so lonely and and feel so overwhelmingly alone when the greatest thing Christians can do is to love one another, to love and accept everyone. There shouldn't be people out there without a friend. There shouldn't be orphans out there without loving families. There shouldn't be teenagers committing suicide because they feel unlovable. There shouldn't.... No, there shouldn't.
If you feel alone and have no one to talk to, please, message me. I don't have any more answers than you do, but I'm a real person, with a real heart, and I care about those out there who feel like no one gives a crap.
I've heard that a lot. Kinda sounds like crap to me.
Maybe it sounds like crap to you too. Maybe, I don't know, you've tried talking to someone about what's bothering you, about how you feel, and they say something like that. Like, "I completely understand. I know how you feel. But trust me, you're not alone."
And maybe some people are really great and they try to be there for you and check up on you and see how you're doing, asking if you need anything. Maybe they really do understand, empathizing with you because maybe they've been there too. If so, that's awesome.
But what about those of us who really are alone? Or those who are surrounded by people on all sides, yet feel alone? Those suffering from depression brought on by such heavy loneliness? And maybe you feel like that. Like there isn't anything you can do about it, as if it's beyond your control. Maybe you've tried everything you know to do, but you just can't get involved socially, or you just can't make friends, or you just can't seem to engage in conversation with other people because you feel really awkward in groups or crowds.
So what do you do?
Well, I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. If I did I'd be using it myself. I don't think there's any kind of magic solution or system, no specific formula to use to build friendships or get people to invite you to social events. Some people are just "people people" and everyone seems to flock to them, somehow sensing this invisible vibe or, gosh, I don't even know. They just always have a lot of friends and make new ones easily. And then there are those of us who have very few to no friends and we're trying everything we know to do to maintain or find friends, create a social circle (or semi-circle, or even a quarter of a circle...). So what's the difference? Is it that they have a "better" personality? Maybe they're more approachable, more friendly, outgoing, extroverted, etc. Is that it? Hmm, I'm not so sure.
And what if you try to express these thoughts to someone else? (Or maybe there isn't anyone for you to express your thoughts to.) So maybe you spend half an hour talking about how you just feel so alone and you get the above line. The, "I know how you feel, but don't worry about it, you're not alone." How the heck would they freakin know? They're not you. They don't know what thoughts go through your head. Like I said, maybe there are some people who really do get it, maybe some people do understand, and that's cool. Great. Really swell.
But a lot of times, that's just something people say to try to make you feel better.
But it doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.
Know why? I'll tell you why. It's because after you spend all this time trying to convey your feelings to someone, and they know what's bothering you, the majority of the time, nothing changes. Things go right back to the way they were. You're still alone. Still friendless. That person that you spent so much time talking to, pouring out your feelings, they just feed you some stupid line and then go on their way, continue with their life and don't bother with you anymore. It's like what you just told them means absolutely nothing.
What is wrong with this picture?
Think about this for a second, especially in the context of spiritual fellowship and one of the biggest principles of Christianity. What was the first thing God observed about Adam, his first human creation? That it wasn't good for man to be alone. Now really think about that. Adam had close fellowship with God himself. Adam already had God, right there, his very own Creator. Yet, God still said that it wasn't good for man to be alone. Funny, don't you think, that God would say that, even though he was right there with Adam. I think it's because we were made to need and desire human relationships. Trying to go through life without friends, especially those who share faith in Jesus, brothers and sisters in Christ, is extremely difficult. I'd even go so far as to say it's dangerous. Not only can loneliness lead to depression and mental unhealthiness, but it's not very fun or enjoyable. Isn't the second greatest commandment to love others? There's a huge emphasis on love.
John 13:34 - A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
And the importance of friendships:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 - Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.
Proverbs 27:17 - As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.
But then we come back to the question of: What if I have no one to sharpen my iron? (So to speak.) And again I am without answer. It's really sad though, to consider that so many people out there are so lonely and and feel so overwhelmingly alone when the greatest thing Christians can do is to love one another, to love and accept everyone. There shouldn't be people out there without a friend. There shouldn't be orphans out there without loving families. There shouldn't be teenagers committing suicide because they feel unlovable. There shouldn't.... No, there shouldn't.
If you feel alone and have no one to talk to, please, message me. I don't have any more answers than you do, but I'm a real person, with a real heart, and I care about those out there who feel like no one gives a crap.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
A Series of Events Part 3
Three cars drive by as I sit on my front porch sipping my coffee. Two white, one red.
Red...
I'm hit with a flashback. Another one. A red jeep. Matt's red jeep.
It was the day I decided to go to the bowling alley. I wasn't planning on staying long, maybe half an hour or so. I'd called my friend, Anne, to ask if she wanted to go with me, and was surprised when she said she was already going. So I told her I'd see her there.
I like bowling, I just don't like all the noise. But I guess you have to take it or leave it.
It's about 6:30 as I pull my old, green Chevy truck into a parking space and head inside. I wanted to make sure Matt would already be here when I arrived. He is. I spot him right off. There aren't too many boys with long, bleach-blond hair walking around. And the tie-dye shirt makes him stand out even more. This time he's wearing cut-off shorts. Nice.
He's standing in a group of two other guys and about three girls, one of which is Anne. That surprises me. I didn't know she knew Matt. At that moment she sees me and waves. I walk slowly over to join the group. I feel nervous. This is definitely not my comfort zone. Being around so many people, especially people I don't know, makes me uncomfortable. I push my glasses up and try to smile as I reach them.
Matt sees me then. His face lights up.
"Bailey! Hey! You came!" He comes right over and gives me a hug. I freeze. I am not expecting that. I think he senses my feelings of awkwardness by the look on his face, but he doesn't say anything. He just sort of chuckles. Anne comes up and hugs me too, but that's normal. She looks a little confused though, so I quickly explain how I met Matt and that he invited me to come tonight.
"Ohhh, I see," she says, giving me this weird grin as if there's some secret I just let her in on. I glare at her.
"I think I know what you're thinking, and it's not what you think. At all." One of the guys calls to Matt, saying it's his turn to bowl. He waves at Anne and me, then goes off to take his turn. I sit down on one of the benches slightly apart from the rest of the group. Anne sits down beside me.
"Are you sure it's not what I think? Because what I think is, Matt is totally into you!" I huff and glare at her some more. "How would you know?" I ask her. That really is a dumb question, though. If anyone can tell when someone likes someone else, it's Anne.
She laughs a little. "Well, for one, did you see his face when he saw you? Totally smitten. And before you got here he kept glancing at the door like he was waiting for someone. I've known Matt for a while. Our parents are good friends. Growing up, he was the boy next door. Then in the eighth grade his family moved away. They just moved back a few months ago. I know he's planning on going to college this fall. That's part of the reason they moved back, so he could go to the university here." She pauses for a minute, considering something. "Bailey," she says. "Matt is a good guy. He's outgoing and funny and spontaneous. He's alive. Really alive. And he might not say it, but I can tell he has feelings for you. He's the same boy I grew up with." She smiles, remembering her childhood friend.
I sigh deeply. I didn't ask for this. What do I say? I rub my right temple in frustration. Finally I say, "Anne, I'm sure he's a great guy. But he's just not my type. And as you already know, I'm really not interested in a relationship right now. Maybe not ever." She raises one eyebrow at me and gives me a look, as if to say, "Please. You're being completely ridiculous!" Instead she says, "And what is your type exactly?"
"Well, I'm not really attracted to blond guys. Like, at all. And I'm not sure what's up with the whole 'hippie' thing he's got going on." I actually laugh then. Something about it amuses me. Anne laughs too. Matt walks over right at that moment.
"What's so funny?" he asks, grinning at us. For a second I'm worried that Anne will tell him what we've been talking about. That we've been talking about him.
"Nothing," she says, shaking her head. She gets up and walks back over to speak to the girls in the group. Matt sits down next to me.
Ugh. Not again. The engine stalls as I turn the key. Pointless. I've tried it half a dozen times. I glance out the window, searching the parking lot for Anne's car. Not here. She must have left already, or either she came with one of the other girls. I notice the red jeep in the spot next to my truck. Someone is sitting inside, texting. The light from the phone's screen illuminates the front of their shirt. Tie-dye. Matt. Figures.
I get out and tap on the passenger-side window of the jeep. His head jerks up, startled. I grimace and mouth the word, "Sorry." He leans across and rolls down the window.
"I didn't mean to scare you. It's my truck. It won't start and Anne left already and..."
"Hop in," he says. "I can drive you home." Just like that. In the fading evening light I look into his eyes. I don't find anything there to alarm me. He appears to be totally genuine all the way thru. I hope Anne is right about him being a good guy.
I grab my bag and keys out of my truck and lock the doors, then climb into Matt's jeep and buckle up. "Are you sure it's no trouble? I mean, I can call my dad and just wait here for him to come get me."
"No, no. Don't worry about it. Besides, I'm already here, and I wouldn't want you to have to wait here by yourself." He does have a point. I don't really want to wait here alone. It's getting darker as we speak.
It's quiet for a little while as we travel down the highway. I fiddle with my keyring as I try to think of something to say. But he's the one to break the silence. "So how long have you known Anne?"
"About two years," I tell him. "I met her when my family started attending the church she goes to. She was telling me earlier that you guys grew up together." He nods his head and grins. "Yeah, we did."
We talk for a while about simple things, things that have no hidden meaning, things that are easy to digest. And I find myself enjoying his company. It's not forced. It's just...nice.
Red...
I'm hit with a flashback. Another one. A red jeep. Matt's red jeep.
It was the day I decided to go to the bowling alley. I wasn't planning on staying long, maybe half an hour or so. I'd called my friend, Anne, to ask if she wanted to go with me, and was surprised when she said she was already going. So I told her I'd see her there.
I like bowling, I just don't like all the noise. But I guess you have to take it or leave it.
It's about 6:30 as I pull my old, green Chevy truck into a parking space and head inside. I wanted to make sure Matt would already be here when I arrived. He is. I spot him right off. There aren't too many boys with long, bleach-blond hair walking around. And the tie-dye shirt makes him stand out even more. This time he's wearing cut-off shorts. Nice.
He's standing in a group of two other guys and about three girls, one of which is Anne. That surprises me. I didn't know she knew Matt. At that moment she sees me and waves. I walk slowly over to join the group. I feel nervous. This is definitely not my comfort zone. Being around so many people, especially people I don't know, makes me uncomfortable. I push my glasses up and try to smile as I reach them.
Matt sees me then. His face lights up.
"Bailey! Hey! You came!" He comes right over and gives me a hug. I freeze. I am not expecting that. I think he senses my feelings of awkwardness by the look on his face, but he doesn't say anything. He just sort of chuckles. Anne comes up and hugs me too, but that's normal. She looks a little confused though, so I quickly explain how I met Matt and that he invited me to come tonight.
"Ohhh, I see," she says, giving me this weird grin as if there's some secret I just let her in on. I glare at her.
"I think I know what you're thinking, and it's not what you think. At all." One of the guys calls to Matt, saying it's his turn to bowl. He waves at Anne and me, then goes off to take his turn. I sit down on one of the benches slightly apart from the rest of the group. Anne sits down beside me.
"Are you sure it's not what I think? Because what I think is, Matt is totally into you!" I huff and glare at her some more. "How would you know?" I ask her. That really is a dumb question, though. If anyone can tell when someone likes someone else, it's Anne.
She laughs a little. "Well, for one, did you see his face when he saw you? Totally smitten. And before you got here he kept glancing at the door like he was waiting for someone. I've known Matt for a while. Our parents are good friends. Growing up, he was the boy next door. Then in the eighth grade his family moved away. They just moved back a few months ago. I know he's planning on going to college this fall. That's part of the reason they moved back, so he could go to the university here." She pauses for a minute, considering something. "Bailey," she says. "Matt is a good guy. He's outgoing and funny and spontaneous. He's alive. Really alive. And he might not say it, but I can tell he has feelings for you. He's the same boy I grew up with." She smiles, remembering her childhood friend.
I sigh deeply. I didn't ask for this. What do I say? I rub my right temple in frustration. Finally I say, "Anne, I'm sure he's a great guy. But he's just not my type. And as you already know, I'm really not interested in a relationship right now. Maybe not ever." She raises one eyebrow at me and gives me a look, as if to say, "Please. You're being completely ridiculous!" Instead she says, "And what is your type exactly?"
"Well, I'm not really attracted to blond guys. Like, at all. And I'm not sure what's up with the whole 'hippie' thing he's got going on." I actually laugh then. Something about it amuses me. Anne laughs too. Matt walks over right at that moment.
"What's so funny?" he asks, grinning at us. For a second I'm worried that Anne will tell him what we've been talking about. That we've been talking about him.
"Nothing," she says, shaking her head. She gets up and walks back over to speak to the girls in the group. Matt sits down next to me.
Ugh. Not again. The engine stalls as I turn the key. Pointless. I've tried it half a dozen times. I glance out the window, searching the parking lot for Anne's car. Not here. She must have left already, or either she came with one of the other girls. I notice the red jeep in the spot next to my truck. Someone is sitting inside, texting. The light from the phone's screen illuminates the front of their shirt. Tie-dye. Matt. Figures.
I get out and tap on the passenger-side window of the jeep. His head jerks up, startled. I grimace and mouth the word, "Sorry." He leans across and rolls down the window.
"I didn't mean to scare you. It's my truck. It won't start and Anne left already and..."
"Hop in," he says. "I can drive you home." Just like that. In the fading evening light I look into his eyes. I don't find anything there to alarm me. He appears to be totally genuine all the way thru. I hope Anne is right about him being a good guy.
I grab my bag and keys out of my truck and lock the doors, then climb into Matt's jeep and buckle up. "Are you sure it's no trouble? I mean, I can call my dad and just wait here for him to come get me."
"No, no. Don't worry about it. Besides, I'm already here, and I wouldn't want you to have to wait here by yourself." He does have a point. I don't really want to wait here alone. It's getting darker as we speak.
It's quiet for a little while as we travel down the highway. I fiddle with my keyring as I try to think of something to say. But he's the one to break the silence. "So how long have you known Anne?"
"About two years," I tell him. "I met her when my family started attending the church she goes to. She was telling me earlier that you guys grew up together." He nods his head and grins. "Yeah, we did."
We talk for a while about simple things, things that have no hidden meaning, things that are easy to digest. And I find myself enjoying his company. It's not forced. It's just...nice.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
TSN: Not Writing Negativity?
I have been doing a lot of thinking here lately. And also a lot of reading. Articles, blogs, people's views and opinions on life and "the church" and "christianity" and all that other stuff. It really makes my brain wheels spin.
Just today I read something called, Stop Defining Yourself By What You Don't Like. (You can read that, too, right here.) And as I was reading it I was thinking, "Huh....yeah, that kind of sort of sounds a tad bit like it might slightly, in a way, resemble me. A little bit." And I wondered why that is. Why do I tend to talk so much about, and get so worked up over the things I don't like or disagree with?
One part of the article says this: "It’s safer, in a sense, to share with people impassioned negativity than to share with them something closer to our hearts: the things we like. Or daresay, the things we love."
And if I'm being honest, which I am, it's actually kind of difficult for me to try and write something that isn't negative. Now, I'm not going to say that I agree with every single point the writer made, because I don't. I think there are times when we should talk about negative things and the affect they have on us personally, or on us as a group or a nation. If you never talk about things, nothing will ever be done and things won't ever change.
But I don't think that was really her point in writing the article. She wasn't saying (from my perspective) that we should only ever talk about positive things all the time and pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. That's unrealistic. I think what she was getting at was that we shouldn't define ourselves by what we hate. (I think there's also another question in there too; if we shouldn't define ourselves by what we dislike, does it then follow that we should define ourselves by what we do like/love? I'm just gonna leave that right there.) And I agree with that point; I don't think we should let those things take precedence in us.
I said to my mom just the other day, after talking about something I didn't like, "You know, I think I dislike more things than I actually like." I said it sort of jokingly, but now that I've taken some time to really think about the concept, it's actually pretty weird. And sad.
It's not that I don't like things. I like plenty of things. I just spend a lot more time and energy talking and thinking about the things/people/concepts that I don't like. I mean, I can really get going on a topic which I have a negative view or opinion on. I can talk for hours about it! Literally. But if it's something that I do like, I have trouble finding the words to describe my thoughts on whatever it might happen to be.
So, in an attempt to put negativity aside for a little while (as sort of a trial period), I am going to dedicate the remainder of this post to only writing about things I like. Here goes....
........
Hmm......thinking.....trying to think of something I like.....
What do I like....?.....
I like the beach! Yeah, I do. I really like the beach! It's so warm and breezy and salty-smelling. There are countless shops to go in and interesting things to look at and buy. Houses look cool because they're up on stilts or whatever you call them. Sand. Sun. Water. It's incredibly relaxing and refreshing. The whole atmosphere. It's such a huge change compared to what I see from day to day. Seagulls flying and squawking overhead. Sandcastle building. Salt-water taffy that makes me feel sick when I eat it, but tastes so good. Yeah, I like the beach.
I like Fall. I like the cool, crisp air. I like feeling the softness and warmth of my sweater when I pull it on over my head. I like the colors; orange, red, yellow. I like watching Charlie Brown's, The Great Pumpkin. Apple cider and pumpkin flavored and scented everything. I like hay rides and walks in the chilly air. Raking leaves and tromping through them, listening closely as they crunch under my feet. I like driving through a neighborhood and smelling the smoky scent of burning leaves. I like wearing boots and jackets and sitting near campfires, looking up at the stars because it's finally the perfect temperature to be outside. I like taking a trip to the mountains, where I'm awed, once again, at the magnificence of something so massive and beautiful, painted in golds and reds. It's one of my favorite times of the year.
I like to read. I like opening a great book and getting lost in the world the author has created; when I'm so immersed in their world that I feel as if I'm actually in it. I like getting to know each of the characters, building this type of interesting relationship with them and getting so attached to them that it makes me sad when the book is over because I have become a part of their story too. Their story has become a part of me, a part of my story. I like when a writer can pull on my emotions and make me feel what their characters feel. I like when the writer makes me think and question things that I thought I understood. I like when books take me on adventures.
And I like to write. It's the best way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It's the easiest way for me to connect to other people. I'm not very good at speaking; my thoughts get all jumbled up in my mind and I find it difficult to explain correctly whatever it is I'm trying to get across to someone else. My thoughts come out so much clearer when I write them. I also like writing stories. It's that feeling of creating something. Making something that wasn't there before. I can say and do whatever I want in my stories. I can cause other people to say and do whatever I want in my stories. Because I'm the author. I'm the creator. I get this weird thrill when I write a story. This strange energy that pumps through me. And it's like I have this....this need to write. Like I have to write. I don't know why. Maybe because I have so many words and thoughts in my head and I feel like if I don't get them out my brain might explode.
Well, that wasn't so hard once I got started. It feels a bit foreign, to tell you the truth, but I now know it's possible. There are things I actually do like. It's just not as easy to find them. And I can talk about them without including anything negative. Who would've guessed?
Once again people,
LOVE. PEACE. BACON. (Not necessarily in that order....)
Just today I read something called, Stop Defining Yourself By What You Don't Like. (You can read that, too, right here.) And as I was reading it I was thinking, "Huh....yeah, that kind of sort of sounds a tad bit like it might slightly, in a way, resemble me. A little bit." And I wondered why that is. Why do I tend to talk so much about, and get so worked up over the things I don't like or disagree with?
One part of the article says this: "It’s safer, in a sense, to share with people impassioned negativity than to share with them something closer to our hearts: the things we like. Or daresay, the things we love."
And if I'm being honest, which I am, it's actually kind of difficult for me to try and write something that isn't negative. Now, I'm not going to say that I agree with every single point the writer made, because I don't. I think there are times when we should talk about negative things and the affect they have on us personally, or on us as a group or a nation. If you never talk about things, nothing will ever be done and things won't ever change.
But I don't think that was really her point in writing the article. She wasn't saying (from my perspective) that we should only ever talk about positive things all the time and pretend that nothing ever goes wrong. That's unrealistic. I think what she was getting at was that we shouldn't define ourselves by what we hate. (I think there's also another question in there too; if we shouldn't define ourselves by what we dislike, does it then follow that we should define ourselves by what we do like/love? I'm just gonna leave that right there.) And I agree with that point; I don't think we should let those things take precedence in us.
I said to my mom just the other day, after talking about something I didn't like, "You know, I think I dislike more things than I actually like." I said it sort of jokingly, but now that I've taken some time to really think about the concept, it's actually pretty weird. And sad.
It's not that I don't like things. I like plenty of things. I just spend a lot more time and energy talking and thinking about the things/people/concepts that I don't like. I mean, I can really get going on a topic which I have a negative view or opinion on. I can talk for hours about it! Literally. But if it's something that I do like, I have trouble finding the words to describe my thoughts on whatever it might happen to be.
So, in an attempt to put negativity aside for a little while (as sort of a trial period), I am going to dedicate the remainder of this post to only writing about things I like. Here goes....
........
Hmm......thinking.....trying to think of something I like.....
What do I like....?.....
I like the beach! Yeah, I do. I really like the beach! It's so warm and breezy and salty-smelling. There are countless shops to go in and interesting things to look at and buy. Houses look cool because they're up on stilts or whatever you call them. Sand. Sun. Water. It's incredibly relaxing and refreshing. The whole atmosphere. It's such a huge change compared to what I see from day to day. Seagulls flying and squawking overhead. Sandcastle building. Salt-water taffy that makes me feel sick when I eat it, but tastes so good. Yeah, I like the beach.
I like Fall. I like the cool, crisp air. I like feeling the softness and warmth of my sweater when I pull it on over my head. I like the colors; orange, red, yellow. I like watching Charlie Brown's, The Great Pumpkin. Apple cider and pumpkin flavored and scented everything. I like hay rides and walks in the chilly air. Raking leaves and tromping through them, listening closely as they crunch under my feet. I like driving through a neighborhood and smelling the smoky scent of burning leaves. I like wearing boots and jackets and sitting near campfires, looking up at the stars because it's finally the perfect temperature to be outside. I like taking a trip to the mountains, where I'm awed, once again, at the magnificence of something so massive and beautiful, painted in golds and reds. It's one of my favorite times of the year.
I like to read. I like opening a great book and getting lost in the world the author has created; when I'm so immersed in their world that I feel as if I'm actually in it. I like getting to know each of the characters, building this type of interesting relationship with them and getting so attached to them that it makes me sad when the book is over because I have become a part of their story too. Their story has become a part of me, a part of my story. I like when a writer can pull on my emotions and make me feel what their characters feel. I like when the writer makes me think and question things that I thought I understood. I like when books take me on adventures.
And I like to write. It's the best way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. It's the easiest way for me to connect to other people. I'm not very good at speaking; my thoughts get all jumbled up in my mind and I find it difficult to explain correctly whatever it is I'm trying to get across to someone else. My thoughts come out so much clearer when I write them. I also like writing stories. It's that feeling of creating something. Making something that wasn't there before. I can say and do whatever I want in my stories. I can cause other people to say and do whatever I want in my stories. Because I'm the author. I'm the creator. I get this weird thrill when I write a story. This strange energy that pumps through me. And it's like I have this....this need to write. Like I have to write. I don't know why. Maybe because I have so many words and thoughts in my head and I feel like if I don't get them out my brain might explode.
Well, that wasn't so hard once I got started. It feels a bit foreign, to tell you the truth, but I now know it's possible. There are things I actually do like. It's just not as easy to find them. And I can talk about them without including anything negative. Who would've guessed?
Once again people,
LOVE. PEACE. BACON. (Not necessarily in that order....)
Monday, July 8, 2013
TSN: Writing A Book Review - Divergent by Veronica Roth
"One choice can transform you."
Open Divergent by Veronica Roth and be prepared to step into
futuristic Chicago; a world where society is divided into five factions,
each one content on cultivating and living out a particular virtue.
These factions consist of: Abnegation, which values selflessness, Amity,
believing peace to be most important, Candor, practicing honesty at all
costs, Erudite, seeking knowledge, and Dauntless, home of the brave.
On an appointed day every year, all sixteen-year-olds, no matter their current faction, are required to take part in the Choosing Ceremony, where they will decide, based on the results of their aptitude tests, which faction they will live and serve in for the rest of their lives. They may choose to stay in the faction they grew up in, or leave their families behind and be initiated into a new faction, never to be reunited with their families again. And that is precisely the choice that Beatrice Prior must make.
Raised in an Abnegation family, Beatrice never felt like she belonged there. She always felt as if she wasn't good enough, or selfless enough like her older brother Caleb, who always seemed to be the perfect example of self-sacrificing. The choice, for Beatrice, is about more than just choosing the right thing because it's the right thing. It's about deciding between who she should be and who she really is.
Though her father calls them "hellions," Beatrice has always been fascinated by the black-clothed Dauntless teens who perform incredible feats to prove their bravery. Every morning at school, the only place where the factions mix, she watches from the window as young Dauntless-born men and women launch themselves from the fast-moving train that delivers them from the Dauntless sector of the city. Although she admits that she should wonder what tattoos and a metal ring through your nostril have to do with courage, she can't help the way these seemingly fearless people captivate her attention.
After taking the aptitude test, Beatrice discovers something unusual about herself, something she is warned to keep a secret at all cost because of how dangerous it is; a secret that, if revealed, even to those she trusts most, could be fatal. She's been warned that what she is, who she is, could put her life, and the lives of her loved ones, in jeopardy.
In chapter five, she makes her decision. It's a decision that no one saw coming, not even Beatrice herself. But as she says at the end of the chapter, "I am selfish. I am brave." Indeed, it takes much bravery to be who you really are, despite those around you shouting conformity.
After the Choosing Ceremony all the initiates, including the new faction transfers, must go back to their faction headquarters, where initiation begins straightaway. If, for whatever reason, an initiate fails to rank in one of the spots available for new members, that person will be turned out of their faction and become factionless, something viewed as worse than death; to be without an identity.
During the process of initiation, which includes extremely difficult physical and mental training, Beatrice, who renames herself Tris, struggles to determine who her true friends are. She also makes a few enemies, who view her as a weak "Stiff," and even, at one point, kidnap her and attempt to throw her over the side of a massive chasm with roaring rapids far beneath. But to the astonishment of everyone around her, she demonstrates, multiple times, that despite her small size and lack of physical strength, she's made of much more than anyone expects.
Early on in the story a mysterious character, who becomes Tris' love interest, is introduced. The "sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating" Four. From the start he recognizes that there's more to Tris than meets the eye. He sees her not as a little girl, but as someone capable of great courage. As their relationship develops and he and Tris get closer, more of his past is revealed and we get a better look into who he is and why he feels so conflicted.
Then of course, the secret Tris has been hiding comes into play. As she discovers a mounting conflict between the factions that's threatening to tear her apparently perfect society to pieces, and an attack planned and executed by evil genius, Jeanine Matthews, Tris learns that her secret might save those she loves....or it might destroy her. In the face of absolute danger she must act; she must be selfless; she must be brave. She realizes that selflessness and bravery aren't really all that different.
My thoughts on Divergent:
Honestly I have to give this book 5 out of 5 stars. It was just that good. I absolutely loved the story and the pacing was genius. I have developed a love for dystopian YA novels over the past couple years and, though I've read a few that were not at all 5 star material, to say the least, Divergent exceeded my expectations. I don't really have any negative comments to make about this book, other than that the world of Tris' futuristic Chicago is not very plausible; I can't really see that it would ever be a realistic future for the world we live in today. However, that wasn't an issue for me, as I also love The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and that setting is even less plausible.
The idea of a society divided into factions really intrigued me, especially the fact that they each valued a specific virtue so much that they would dedicate their entire lives to cultivating it within themselves and shaping their lives to not only resemble, but embody those values. You know it's extreme when it even dictates the way one dresses and the food one eats.
The characters appealed to me in that they were flawed, imperfect people just like you and me. Real people. Tris is sometimes a bit cold, not what I would consider a "nice" person, but that's why I love her. I love how she becomes who she really is during the choosing and initiation process. I love her sarcasm and dry humor. She may be small in stature, but she's definitely not a small character.
I think a lot of people, especially the audience for whom it was written, young adults, can really relate to this theme of deciding to be who you are even if it means doing something that other people may not understand or approve of. Often there are certain expectations on young people to follow a particular path that has been marked out for them; they're encouraged to abide by the norm and do what's "safe." But I think there comes a time in each of our lives where we have to choose who we're going to be and what road we're going to travel. And like Tris, we're going to need to be brave to do it.
Veronica Roth has, in my opinion, the perfect writing style. I'm very critical when it comes to books and how they're laid out, whether the dialogue is realistic, how things are described, etc. I had absolutely no complaints whatsoever. I loved that Tris was the one to tell her own story. It wouldn't have been nearly as good if it were told by anyone else. It's a story that has to be told by Tris.
There was a sense of humor within the book that I appreciated, such as the first time Tris eats a hamburger, or when Will says to Christina, "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls." There were also many sad parts, such as having to accept that certain characters didn't make it to the end of the book. This made it more realistic for me, and better, in a way, because it would be illogical to think that after everything that happened during the story everyone would come out of it fine and go on living happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way, so why should the storyline? It also adds a lot to Tris' character and how she develops as things progress.
Another thing that I really liked was Tris and Four's relationship. It wasn't all roses and sunshine and chocolate cake. (The cake is a Dauntless joke. Read the book and you'll get it.) It's a real relationship between two real people. It has issues and problems. They argue and have fights, but they make an effort and try to work things out because they truly care about each other. They accept and admire each other for who they really are, imperfections and all.
The last point I want to make is that of the "government." Namely, Jeanine Matthews, leader of Erudite and power hungry genius. Like all "villains," she desires a world where people live in wealth, comfort, and prosperity, willing to do anything to achieve her goals, including mind control and murder of innocent people. She also wants everyone to know what a smart little b**ch she is. I can't imagine the plot happening any other way. I love the psychology aspect and how it really made my brain work to try to figure out the way Jeanine thinks and reasons. Though she is definitely a genius, she chose to use her powers for evil, which, really just makes the book that much better because everyone needs someone to hate.
All in all this book was awesome. It's most assuredly my favorite book. I would (and have) recommend this book to anyone who's looking for a good read. I loved it so much the first time that I read it, and it's sequel, Insurgent, twice, and I plan on reading them both again before the third and final book in the series, Allegiant, comes out on October 22, 2013.
Some random facts that I thought were pretty cool:
Inspiration for Divergent, taken from Veronica Roth's blog, which you can find here.
First thing to mention is that there wasn't really one definite moment for Veronica where she was hit with the idea for Divergent. It was more like several different things that started the process of discovering the characters and the storyline. Things like, a psychology class, a certain song, the aspect of people being divided into groups and the workings of governmental systems, and finally her own character, Tris.
This is a quote from Veronica Roth's blog. It's her response to this question: " What is the one thing/the message you would like people to take away from your book?" You can read the full story right here.
"But I would much rather you come away with questions than answers. Questions about virtue, and what it is, and if it makes you worth something, and if being "good" is the most important thing, and if it's not, what is? Or: is the consistency of your character the best thing you have to offer the world? Can you can be defined, and should you even try? Or even: what should you look for in a friend, or a boyfriend, or a girlfriend?"
Some basic facts about Veronica Roth:
She is 24 years old, born August 19, 1988 (I was like, say whaaat?? She's so young to be a bestselling author!)
With shoes on, she is 6 feet tall!
She's married to a dude named Nelson, who is a photographer, and they live in Chicago, where Divergent takes place.
Divergent was her first book to be published.
She graduated from Northwestern with a degree in creative writing, but often chose to work on Divergent instead of doing homework. (Such a rebel.)
She has been writing for about 12 years.
Facts about Divergent:
Published in May of 2011, it is the first book in the Divergent trilogy.
Originally, Divergent started out being written in the perspective of Tobias.
During the writing process, all of the scenes with Four were written first.
Divergent is currently in the process of being made into a film from Summit Entertainment, and is due to hit theaters on March 21, 2014
Divergent won Favorite book of 2011 in 2011's Goodreads Choice Awards.
I hope you have enjoyed this review. Please feel free to leave a comment. If you've read Divergent let me know what you thought of it.
P.S. In case you were wondering what TSN means, it's "Trying Something New," as in, I am trying something new by writing this book review, because I've never written one before. ;)
Open Divergent by Veronica Roth and be prepared to step into
futuristic Chicago; a world where society is divided into five factions,
each one content on cultivating and living out a particular virtue.
These factions consist of: Abnegation, which values selflessness, Amity,
believing peace to be most important, Candor, practicing honesty at all
costs, Erudite, seeking knowledge, and Dauntless, home of the brave.On an appointed day every year, all sixteen-year-olds, no matter their current faction, are required to take part in the Choosing Ceremony, where they will decide, based on the results of their aptitude tests, which faction they will live and serve in for the rest of their lives. They may choose to stay in the faction they grew up in, or leave their families behind and be initiated into a new faction, never to be reunited with their families again. And that is precisely the choice that Beatrice Prior must make.
Raised in an Abnegation family, Beatrice never felt like she belonged there. She always felt as if she wasn't good enough, or selfless enough like her older brother Caleb, who always seemed to be the perfect example of self-sacrificing. The choice, for Beatrice, is about more than just choosing the right thing because it's the right thing. It's about deciding between who she should be and who she really is.
Though her father calls them "hellions," Beatrice has always been fascinated by the black-clothed Dauntless teens who perform incredible feats to prove their bravery. Every morning at school, the only place where the factions mix, she watches from the window as young Dauntless-born men and women launch themselves from the fast-moving train that delivers them from the Dauntless sector of the city. Although she admits that she should wonder what tattoos and a metal ring through your nostril have to do with courage, she can't help the way these seemingly fearless people captivate her attention.
After taking the aptitude test, Beatrice discovers something unusual about herself, something she is warned to keep a secret at all cost because of how dangerous it is; a secret that, if revealed, even to those she trusts most, could be fatal. She's been warned that what she is, who she is, could put her life, and the lives of her loved ones, in jeopardy.
In chapter five, she makes her decision. It's a decision that no one saw coming, not even Beatrice herself. But as she says at the end of the chapter, "I am selfish. I am brave." Indeed, it takes much bravery to be who you really are, despite those around you shouting conformity.
After the Choosing Ceremony all the initiates, including the new faction transfers, must go back to their faction headquarters, where initiation begins straightaway. If, for whatever reason, an initiate fails to rank in one of the spots available for new members, that person will be turned out of their faction and become factionless, something viewed as worse than death; to be without an identity.
During the process of initiation, which includes extremely difficult physical and mental training, Beatrice, who renames herself Tris, struggles to determine who her true friends are. She also makes a few enemies, who view her as a weak "Stiff," and even, at one point, kidnap her and attempt to throw her over the side of a massive chasm with roaring rapids far beneath. But to the astonishment of everyone around her, she demonstrates, multiple times, that despite her small size and lack of physical strength, she's made of much more than anyone expects.
Early on in the story a mysterious character, who becomes Tris' love interest, is introduced. The "sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating" Four. From the start he recognizes that there's more to Tris than meets the eye. He sees her not as a little girl, but as someone capable of great courage. As their relationship develops and he and Tris get closer, more of his past is revealed and we get a better look into who he is and why he feels so conflicted.
Then of course, the secret Tris has been hiding comes into play. As she discovers a mounting conflict between the factions that's threatening to tear her apparently perfect society to pieces, and an attack planned and executed by evil genius, Jeanine Matthews, Tris learns that her secret might save those she loves....or it might destroy her. In the face of absolute danger she must act; she must be selfless; she must be brave. She realizes that selflessness and bravery aren't really all that different.
My thoughts on Divergent:
Honestly I have to give this book 5 out of 5 stars. It was just that good. I absolutely loved the story and the pacing was genius. I have developed a love for dystopian YA novels over the past couple years and, though I've read a few that were not at all 5 star material, to say the least, Divergent exceeded my expectations. I don't really have any negative comments to make about this book, other than that the world of Tris' futuristic Chicago is not very plausible; I can't really see that it would ever be a realistic future for the world we live in today. However, that wasn't an issue for me, as I also love The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and that setting is even less plausible.
The idea of a society divided into factions really intrigued me, especially the fact that they each valued a specific virtue so much that they would dedicate their entire lives to cultivating it within themselves and shaping their lives to not only resemble, but embody those values. You know it's extreme when it even dictates the way one dresses and the food one eats.
The characters appealed to me in that they were flawed, imperfect people just like you and me. Real people. Tris is sometimes a bit cold, not what I would consider a "nice" person, but that's why I love her. I love how she becomes who she really is during the choosing and initiation process. I love her sarcasm and dry humor. She may be small in stature, but she's definitely not a small character.
I think a lot of people, especially the audience for whom it was written, young adults, can really relate to this theme of deciding to be who you are even if it means doing something that other people may not understand or approve of. Often there are certain expectations on young people to follow a particular path that has been marked out for them; they're encouraged to abide by the norm and do what's "safe." But I think there comes a time in each of our lives where we have to choose who we're going to be and what road we're going to travel. And like Tris, we're going to need to be brave to do it.
Veronica Roth has, in my opinion, the perfect writing style. I'm very critical when it comes to books and how they're laid out, whether the dialogue is realistic, how things are described, etc. I had absolutely no complaints whatsoever. I loved that Tris was the one to tell her own story. It wouldn't have been nearly as good if it were told by anyone else. It's a story that has to be told by Tris.
There was a sense of humor within the book that I appreciated, such as the first time Tris eats a hamburger, or when Will says to Christina, "That's my girl. Tough as cotton balls." There were also many sad parts, such as having to accept that certain characters didn't make it to the end of the book. This made it more realistic for me, and better, in a way, because it would be illogical to think that after everything that happened during the story everyone would come out of it fine and go on living happily ever after. Life doesn't work that way, so why should the storyline? It also adds a lot to Tris' character and how she develops as things progress.
Another thing that I really liked was Tris and Four's relationship. It wasn't all roses and sunshine and chocolate cake. (The cake is a Dauntless joke. Read the book and you'll get it.) It's a real relationship between two real people. It has issues and problems. They argue and have fights, but they make an effort and try to work things out because they truly care about each other. They accept and admire each other for who they really are, imperfections and all.
The last point I want to make is that of the "government." Namely, Jeanine Matthews, leader of Erudite and power hungry genius. Like all "villains," she desires a world where people live in wealth, comfort, and prosperity, willing to do anything to achieve her goals, including mind control and murder of innocent people. She also wants everyone to know what a smart little b**ch she is. I can't imagine the plot happening any other way. I love the psychology aspect and how it really made my brain work to try to figure out the way Jeanine thinks and reasons. Though she is definitely a genius, she chose to use her powers for evil, which, really just makes the book that much better because everyone needs someone to hate.
All in all this book was awesome. It's most assuredly my favorite book. I would (and have) recommend this book to anyone who's looking for a good read. I loved it so much the first time that I read it, and it's sequel, Insurgent, twice, and I plan on reading them both again before the third and final book in the series, Allegiant, comes out on October 22, 2013.
Some random facts that I thought were pretty cool:
Inspiration for Divergent, taken from Veronica Roth's blog, which you can find here.
First thing to mention is that there wasn't really one definite moment for Veronica where she was hit with the idea for Divergent. It was more like several different things that started the process of discovering the characters and the storyline. Things like, a psychology class, a certain song, the aspect of people being divided into groups and the workings of governmental systems, and finally her own character, Tris.
This is a quote from Veronica Roth's blog. It's her response to this question: " What is the one thing/the message you would like people to take away from your book?" You can read the full story right here.
"But I would much rather you come away with questions than answers. Questions about virtue, and what it is, and if it makes you worth something, and if being "good" is the most important thing, and if it's not, what is? Or: is the consistency of your character the best thing you have to offer the world? Can you can be defined, and should you even try? Or even: what should you look for in a friend, or a boyfriend, or a girlfriend?"
Some basic facts about Veronica Roth:
She is 24 years old, born August 19, 1988 (I was like, say whaaat?? She's so young to be a bestselling author!)
With shoes on, she is 6 feet tall!
She's married to a dude named Nelson, who is a photographer, and they live in Chicago, where Divergent takes place.
Divergent was her first book to be published.
She graduated from Northwestern with a degree in creative writing, but often chose to work on Divergent instead of doing homework. (Such a rebel.)
She has been writing for about 12 years.
Facts about Divergent:
Published in May of 2011, it is the first book in the Divergent trilogy.
Originally, Divergent started out being written in the perspective of Tobias.
During the writing process, all of the scenes with Four were written first.
Divergent is currently in the process of being made into a film from Summit Entertainment, and is due to hit theaters on March 21, 2014
Divergent won Favorite book of 2011 in 2011's Goodreads Choice Awards.
I hope you have enjoyed this review. Please feel free to leave a comment. If you've read Divergent let me know what you thought of it.
P.S. In case you were wondering what TSN means, it's "Trying Something New," as in, I am trying something new by writing this book review, because I've never written one before. ;)
Monday, July 1, 2013
Sick of Cliche
I'm not sure why I'm just noticing it all of a sudden. I'm not sure why it's standing out to me now. And I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much.
But I've got to talk about it.
I'm writing to get this out of my brain. To put my thoughts into words and words onto a screen. If I don't, it will just keep nagging at me and I won't be able to stand it.
Truth is, I'm so irritated with all these cliche phrases that Christians use all the time. Maybe you've noticed it too. With the exception of a few new words that have become popular, especially in the teenage generation, Christians are saying the exact same thing that they've always said.
Aren't Christians (myself included) real people?
Why do they act like robots? Do they have these phrases, these words they automatically resort to, programmed into their minds so that they come to the surface whenever a certain situation comes up?
Okay, I'll give you an example to try and illustrate what I'm talking about. Let's say that I'm just feeling really down and out and I finally get up the nerve to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. So I go to my Christian friend, we'll call her....Sarah. So I go talk to Sarah about how I just feel really down and I can't seem to get past it. What do you think she says? Probably something along the lines of, "Aww, that really stinks. I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you." Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying it's bad to pray for people. It's always nice to have someone praying for you. That's not my point.
Here's another example: This time let's say that I've been struggling with something, and I'm really not proud of it, I don't really want to talk about it, but I feel like I need some help. So let's say I go to my friend, we'll call him....John. So I say something like, "You know, John, I've really been struggling with (you name it) and I don't know what to do about it." John tries to put on this Christian sympathetic look and says, "Well, have you tried praying about it? Maybe you need to read your Bible more. Ask God to help you with (whatever). He's there for you and He loves you and has a great plan for your life. He'll never leave you...blah blah blah."
And then of course there's the thing Christians do on Facebook. They'll post this picture with some Christian or Biblical statement, maybe a verse, or possibly a quote from a well known pastor or evangelist or whoever. As a comment at the top they'll just say, "Amen?" And I don't know why it is, but I find that incredibly annoying.
My point in saying all this is that, if I go to a person feeling like I need to talk about something that's been going on or maybe something I've been dealing with in my life, I want to talk to an actual person. A human being! I want to speak to a real human heart. I don't want cliche phrases spoken at me, or words preached at me just because that's what we're "supposed" to say to each other when we're going through something difficult or uncomfortable or that just plain sucks. I don't need someone to have all the answers for me. I don't need someone to "fix" me. I don't need to be told that I should pray more or seek God for whatever reasons a person might give me. I know all those things already. Most people who know anything about God already know those things too.
So what is it I think should be done? I think we as Christians need to stop titling or labeling ourselves "Christian" and all that comes to mind when most people here that word. We need to stop thinking about how a "Christian" is supposed to act and just focus on living by the example Jesus gave us. Do you know of anywhere in the Bible where Jesus told someone who was hurting or feeling down or depressed that they should just pray about it and God would help them get through it and be happy? No. No he didn't. And do you know why? Well, I can't be positive, but it probably had something to do with the fact that that isn't helpful! It doesn't make things better for the person struggling. I imagine it just makes them more frustrated.
Let's be humans. Let's be real people. Flawed, ransomed, saved by grace people. Forget the cliche Christianity we've all gotten so used to. Forget the "normal" Christian behavior we've adopted and all those words and phrases that come to mind. Really hear someone when they share their heart with you. Just listen. Be there for them. Offer a hug, a smile. Sometimes those things speak the loudest and are the most comforting things you can offer a hurting heart. Show them LOVE and EAT WITH THEM!
But I've got to talk about it.
I'm writing to get this out of my brain. To put my thoughts into words and words onto a screen. If I don't, it will just keep nagging at me and I won't be able to stand it.
Truth is, I'm so irritated with all these cliche phrases that Christians use all the time. Maybe you've noticed it too. With the exception of a few new words that have become popular, especially in the teenage generation, Christians are saying the exact same thing that they've always said.
Aren't Christians (myself included) real people?
Why do they act like robots? Do they have these phrases, these words they automatically resort to, programmed into their minds so that they come to the surface whenever a certain situation comes up?
Okay, I'll give you an example to try and illustrate what I'm talking about. Let's say that I'm just feeling really down and out and I finally get up the nerve to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. So I go to my Christian friend, we'll call her....Sarah. So I go talk to Sarah about how I just feel really down and I can't seem to get past it. What do you think she says? Probably something along the lines of, "Aww, that really stinks. I'm so sorry. I'll pray for you." Now don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying it's bad to pray for people. It's always nice to have someone praying for you. That's not my point.
Here's another example: This time let's say that I've been struggling with something, and I'm really not proud of it, I don't really want to talk about it, but I feel like I need some help. So let's say I go to my friend, we'll call him....John. So I say something like, "You know, John, I've really been struggling with (you name it) and I don't know what to do about it." John tries to put on this Christian sympathetic look and says, "Well, have you tried praying about it? Maybe you need to read your Bible more. Ask God to help you with (whatever). He's there for you and He loves you and has a great plan for your life. He'll never leave you...blah blah blah."
And then of course there's the thing Christians do on Facebook. They'll post this picture with some Christian or Biblical statement, maybe a verse, or possibly a quote from a well known pastor or evangelist or whoever. As a comment at the top they'll just say, "Amen?" And I don't know why it is, but I find that incredibly annoying.
My point in saying all this is that, if I go to a person feeling like I need to talk about something that's been going on or maybe something I've been dealing with in my life, I want to talk to an actual person. A human being! I want to speak to a real human heart. I don't want cliche phrases spoken at me, or words preached at me just because that's what we're "supposed" to say to each other when we're going through something difficult or uncomfortable or that just plain sucks. I don't need someone to have all the answers for me. I don't need someone to "fix" me. I don't need to be told that I should pray more or seek God for whatever reasons a person might give me. I know all those things already. Most people who know anything about God already know those things too.
So what is it I think should be done? I think we as Christians need to stop titling or labeling ourselves "Christian" and all that comes to mind when most people here that word. We need to stop thinking about how a "Christian" is supposed to act and just focus on living by the example Jesus gave us. Do you know of anywhere in the Bible where Jesus told someone who was hurting or feeling down or depressed that they should just pray about it and God would help them get through it and be happy? No. No he didn't. And do you know why? Well, I can't be positive, but it probably had something to do with the fact that that isn't helpful! It doesn't make things better for the person struggling. I imagine it just makes them more frustrated.
Let's be humans. Let's be real people. Flawed, ransomed, saved by grace people. Forget the cliche Christianity we've all gotten so used to. Forget the "normal" Christian behavior we've adopted and all those words and phrases that come to mind. Really hear someone when they share their heart with you. Just listen. Be there for them. Offer a hug, a smile. Sometimes those things speak the loudest and are the most comforting things you can offer a hurting heart. Show them LOVE and EAT WITH THEM!
A Series of Events Part 2
As I dust the bookshelf in my living room, Mansfield Park catches my eye. I stand there for a moment, remembering. My finger traces down the spine and I slip it out of it's spot on the shelf.
My mind travels back to that day. It was a long time ago, but it feels fresh in my memory. It was my second run-in with Matt. After coffee on that rainy day in mid-May, he had asked for my number, but I didn't give it to him. I knew he wasn't my type, and besides, I wasn't the type to give my number out to boys I'd just met. Plus, I believed in that thing they call Fate, and because of that, I believed that if we were supposed to meet again, we would.
I was right.
I'm here again. I find myself in the same bookstore. It isn't raining this time, though.
I'm trying to find a specific book, Mansfield Park, but I've looked everywhere and I just can't find it. I know it must be here. I mean this is a bookstore, after all, and Jane Austen is practically famous.
I'm on my way to customer service when I hear a voice ask, "Can I help you find anything today, Miss?" I turn around. It's him. Again. He recognizes me immediately. It's been a couple months since we had coffee on that day when the rain forced us together.
For a minute I'm so surprised at seeing him that I don't say anything. I didn't know he worked here. He looks at me expectantly. Right. The book. Finally I say, "Actually, yes. I'm trying to find Mansfield Park by Jane Austen. Do you know where that is?" He smiles, his green eyes almost glittering. "Of course," he says. "It's right over here." I follow him to the exact isle I'd just come from. He knows precisely where it is. Maybe I need new glasses. I could have sworn I looked up and down this entire isle.
As he hands me the book, his hand brushes lightly against mine. Did he do that on purpose? I chance a look at his face. Smiling, of course.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" He says it in a way that sounds completely genuine; not at all like he's saying it because he's required to. I take a moment to study him. His blond hair is pulled back into a ponytail with a few strands hanging down around his face. He's wearing a green apron over a purple t-shirt and jeans with massive holes in the knees. Classy.
"Nope, that'll do it. Thanks for your help," I say. I shoot him a quick smile and then turn to go.
"Bailey. Wait!" I stop, sigh, and turn back around. He just stands there staring at me for a second. Taking a deep breath, he says, "Don't you think it's kinda funny that we're meeting again?" His eyebrows are raised slightly, and his eyes seem to almost plead with me to consider the fact. It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't even know him. I'm sure he's probably a nice enough guy, and I suppose it never hurts to make new friends. But I guess I'm just a little wary of people. It takes me a while to warm up to someone new. I don't trust easily.
"Matt," I begin, and he must hear something in my voice, something that hints at what I'm thinking, because he cuts me off. He says, "Before you say anything, just hear me out, alright? I don't think it's coincidence that we've run into each other again so soon. I don't have any kind of expectations. I just want to be friends. Everybody needs some of those, right?" He smiles then and it makes me feel more comfortable. A bit more at ease. I smile back.
"You're right. Everyone does need friends." He flips his head to the side, even though his hair is pulled back. The loose strands shift slightly, but other than that it doesn't make much of a difference. I shake my head. What's the point of that? Habit, I suppose.
"So," he says, making eye contact. "Some friends and I are going bowling this weekend. Come and hang out. You can bring someone if you want." I consider his offer. It might be nice to actually have contact with the outside world for a change. "Okay. I might stop by. I have to warn you though. I am a terrible bowler." A half smile reaches my lips. His form a whole one. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to do anything half way.
"That's completely alright. I'm awful too. But it's fun! I hope you decide to come. It'll be Saturday at 6. I uh, I better get back to work now. It was nice seeing you again, Bailey." He looks sincere. Why do I always question everyone's sincerity? Why can't I trust that what they say is true? But I'm reminded, again, that so often, it's not.
My mind travels back to that day. It was a long time ago, but it feels fresh in my memory. It was my second run-in with Matt. After coffee on that rainy day in mid-May, he had asked for my number, but I didn't give it to him. I knew he wasn't my type, and besides, I wasn't the type to give my number out to boys I'd just met. Plus, I believed in that thing they call Fate, and because of that, I believed that if we were supposed to meet again, we would.
I was right.
I'm here again. I find myself in the same bookstore. It isn't raining this time, though.
I'm trying to find a specific book, Mansfield Park, but I've looked everywhere and I just can't find it. I know it must be here. I mean this is a bookstore, after all, and Jane Austen is practically famous.
I'm on my way to customer service when I hear a voice ask, "Can I help you find anything today, Miss?" I turn around. It's him. Again. He recognizes me immediately. It's been a couple months since we had coffee on that day when the rain forced us together.
For a minute I'm so surprised at seeing him that I don't say anything. I didn't know he worked here. He looks at me expectantly. Right. The book. Finally I say, "Actually, yes. I'm trying to find Mansfield Park by Jane Austen. Do you know where that is?" He smiles, his green eyes almost glittering. "Of course," he says. "It's right over here." I follow him to the exact isle I'd just come from. He knows precisely where it is. Maybe I need new glasses. I could have sworn I looked up and down this entire isle.
As he hands me the book, his hand brushes lightly against mine. Did he do that on purpose? I chance a look at his face. Smiling, of course.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?" He says it in a way that sounds completely genuine; not at all like he's saying it because he's required to. I take a moment to study him. His blond hair is pulled back into a ponytail with a few strands hanging down around his face. He's wearing a green apron over a purple t-shirt and jeans with massive holes in the knees. Classy.
"Nope, that'll do it. Thanks for your help," I say. I shoot him a quick smile and then turn to go.
"Bailey. Wait!" I stop, sigh, and turn back around. He just stands there staring at me for a second. Taking a deep breath, he says, "Don't you think it's kinda funny that we're meeting again?" His eyebrows are raised slightly, and his eyes seem to almost plead with me to consider the fact. It's not that I don't want to have anything to do with him. I don't even know him. I'm sure he's probably a nice enough guy, and I suppose it never hurts to make new friends. But I guess I'm just a little wary of people. It takes me a while to warm up to someone new. I don't trust easily.
"Matt," I begin, and he must hear something in my voice, something that hints at what I'm thinking, because he cuts me off. He says, "Before you say anything, just hear me out, alright? I don't think it's coincidence that we've run into each other again so soon. I don't have any kind of expectations. I just want to be friends. Everybody needs some of those, right?" He smiles then and it makes me feel more comfortable. A bit more at ease. I smile back.
"You're right. Everyone does need friends." He flips his head to the side, even though his hair is pulled back. The loose strands shift slightly, but other than that it doesn't make much of a difference. I shake my head. What's the point of that? Habit, I suppose.
"So," he says, making eye contact. "Some friends and I are going bowling this weekend. Come and hang out. You can bring someone if you want." I consider his offer. It might be nice to actually have contact with the outside world for a change. "Okay. I might stop by. I have to warn you though. I am a terrible bowler." A half smile reaches my lips. His form a whole one. He doesn't seem like the kind of person to do anything half way.
"That's completely alright. I'm awful too. But it's fun! I hope you decide to come. It'll be Saturday at 6. I uh, I better get back to work now. It was nice seeing you again, Bailey." He looks sincere. Why do I always question everyone's sincerity? Why can't I trust that what they say is true? But I'm reminded, again, that so often, it's not.
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