Brain Goop

I feel like writing something.

But...at the same time, I don't.

I guess I will anyway.

You know, it wasn't too long ago that I made this blog. I thought that maybe I had some thoughts soaring around in my brain that other people might actually be interested in reading. I thought maybe I could write in a way that would, possibly, cause someone to see something they never had before. Maybe I could...I don't know...say something meaningful. Or whatever.

Maybe I was kidding myself. And maybe I still am.

I've never been a "popular" person. (I didn't expect to become so on this blog either, just so we're clear.) I've never had people falling over themselves to be my friend. In fact, I've never had more than about 3 or 4 friends at one time (and that's being generous with the word "friend").

And while I'm being honest...

I've never felt very important to anyone. (Except my Mommy.)

I would love to say that I'm very self-assured. I'd love to think that I have great self-esteem. I wish I could tell you that I don't have any insecurities. But if I did, I'd be a liar. And based on what I've written above, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Truth is...

I am insecure in who I am. I crave acceptance and friendship and love. When someone is nice to me or compliments me, I question their motives. Or I think to myself, "Eh, they're just trying to be polite. They don't really mean it."

I used to be worse. When I was a teenager I had extremely low self-esteem to the point that I was convinced that I was ugly and that must be why no boys ever talked to me and why I had very few friends. It took a long time for me to get past that and actually find some things that I liked about myself. But I still struggle. I still fight to gain confidence in myself.

Don't get me wrong; I don't mean to sound as if I believe that having many friends makes you an important person, or that your self-worth comes from how many friends you have. That's not true at all. That's also not to say that the way people treat you doesn't affect or contribute to the image you perceive of yourself. That's definitely a contributing factor.
But it's hard not to care what people say or think about you. Especially people who are important figures in your life, such as a parent, sibling, teacher, pastor, etc. And I'm sure everyone has been careless with their words and has had rotten attitudes toward someone when they should have been more careful, needing to realize that they are very capable of hurting and/or damaging someone else.

I'm also not trying to blame other people for my lack of self-esteem, so I hope I haven't given that impression. I guess what it comes down to, the point I hope I'm getting across, is that, throughout my life I've experienced certain situations and come in contact with certain people (and still am) that have all contributed to the fact that I'm not as self-assured as I wish I was.

If there was one thing that I could say to people about it, I think it would be this: look around you. Look at the people nearest to you; people you are closest to and really, honestly, try your best to evaluate your treatment of them. How do you interact with them? How do you show them that you care and love them? Is it in a way that they can understand? You may not realize how important it is to someone to show them that they are important to you. You may think, "Well of course they know they're important to me!" Do they, though? Are you sure? Try to think of the things you do on a daily basis to let the people who are most important to you know that they are loved. If you just say it but don't actually do anything to follow it up, it doesn't count. It's empty. Meaningless. I know this sounds cliche, but, "Love is a verb."

Of course, there are some people who are so entirely insecure that no matter how much you try to show them that they are valued and loved and treasured, it doesn't seem to make a difference. They refuse to believe you and wallow in self-pity and stay stuck in that place until one day they finally find it within themselves and truly believe that they are valuable. Until they get to that point, it won't matter how many times you try. The important thing though, is that you do try. Your words and actions have more power than you may realize.