A Series of Events: Part 6

Things went back to normal. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Awkwardness, I guess. I thought that, after my conversation with Matt on the beach, things might be weird between us. But they weren't. He was the same boy; I was the same girl.

I did lie awake that night, though, thinking that I'd really hurt him. Feeling guilty. Dreading being alone with him again, because I wasn't sure what to talk about or how to not act awkward and nervous.

I worried for nothing. The next day, things were the same as before. I was so relieved. We hung out on the beach, the boys got to use their boogie boards, Anne tanned some more.
At one point, Matt came running up behind me, flung me over his shoulder, and ran to the water, throwing me in despite my many protests. That's when I knew we were okay. Better than okay.

Life changed a little after Matt went to college. We didn't see him every week like we'd gotten accustomed to. He had school and homework during the week and then work on the weekends. He stayed busy most of the time. It was definitely different for him. It was different for me too.

There were phone calls and text messages, Skype and Twitter, but it wasn't the same as having him here. Anne and I still had lunch together and hung out, but we both had our own jobs and Anne had other friends she spent time with. She worked a lot, saving money to put into her own college fund. I didn't plan to go to college. I didn't feel like it was right for me. But I had things I wanted to save up for as well.

The times that Anne and I did get together were fun, but there was always this sense that it just wasn't...complete. I felt it and I knew she felt it too. Without Matt it wasn't the same. He always kept us laughing and joking, making ordinary days interesting and memorable. We both missed him. 

I can remember one of the rare occasions he was home for the weekend visiting his family. He called us to come over and hang out. I think it was late October. The air was cool and crisp; perfect campfire weather.

"Oh come on! Please? If you help me get this done, we can have a campfire later and I'll share my marshmallows with you," Matt says, trying to convince Anne to help rake leaves. His dad had "suggested" that he rake the entire back yard this afternoon. I don't know Mr. Conally all that well, but from my observations, when he "suggests" something, it pretty much means he's demanding it. So here it is, the weekend Matt is home visiting, and he's stuck doing yard work. Go figure.
I volunteered to help as soon as he mentioned it. For one thing, I think it's kind of fun, and for another, I felt bad that Matt has to do chores during his almost-nonexistent vacations from school and work, if that's even what it could be called. Anne, on the other hand, is harder to convince.
"If the three of us all work on it, we'll get it done really fast. And then, s'mores!" I say, trying to entice her with the the prospect of food. She appears to be debating, weighing the pros and cons. Finally she gives in. "Fine! I'll help. But only for the marshmallows," she says, glaring at Matt. He and I both laugh. I knew she'd crack eventually, especially under the pressure of roasted marshmallows.
Matt hands me a rake and we each start on a section of the yard. Right away Anne starts gabbing about this cute guy at work and Matt looks to me, eyebrows raised. I shrug. I can tell this is the first he's heard about it. Do he and Anne not talk as much as he and I do? We do three-way Skype calls every once in a while, but I'd just assumed they kept in touch regularly. Now I'm not so sure. Anne talks about this guy all the time. He's been the topic of conversation for weeks. It surprises me that Matt is just now hearing about it.
After a few minutes I brush it off. I guess it doesn't matter that much.  
We continue raking and I find myself studying Matt. He looks like he might actually be a bit taller, if that's even possible. His hair is longer, but still above his ears, though it's not nearly as drastic now as it was when he first cut it all off back in the summer. It's dark brown and slightly wavy on the ends. It's a good look for him. No holes in his jeans this time. And no tie-dye. I guess he's been taking my advice about dressing classier. I smile to myself. He's actually wearing a nice, dark red sweater, black denim jeans,  and stylish brown leather boots. He doesn't even look like the same boy from the bookstore.
"What's wrong?"  Matt asks me.
"What?" I say, confused.
"You're just standing there, staring off into the distance," he says, grinning. I hadn't realized I'd stopped raking. I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. I feel silly. He laughs and reaches out to shove my shoulder, but I move out of the way just in time. Laughing, I pick up a handful of leaves and throw them at him. Before long, a full-out war has broken loose. All three of us are running around throwing leaves at each other and jumping into the piles we've raked up. I feel like a little kid. Matt and I both attack Anne at the same time and she runs for cover, but there is none. In her mad dash to escape, she trips and falls into a giant pile of leaves. At first I'm afraid she might have hurt herself, but then she starts laughing. I laugh too, and join her in the pile, lying on my back and staring up into the trees as tears spill out of my eyes from laughing so hard. Matt lies down on my other side. We stay there for a few minutes, enjoying the fact that, at least for today, we're here together, seemingly without a single care.

It takes a few hours for us to get the yard finished. Anne and I sit on the front steps while Matt goes inside to get drinks.
"You like him don't you, Bailey?" Anne says. I know it's supposed to be a question, but it sounds more like she's stating a fact. I knew this was coming sooner or later. I'm actually surprised she hasn't said anything before now.
"No. I mean, yes, I like Matt. But not in the way you're implying." She scoffs. I knew she wouldn't believe me.
"You're lying. I can tell. You like him," she informs me. I just shake my head and say, in exasperation, "Why do you insist I'm lying? Why can't we just be best friends? Is there some rule that says I have to like him as more than that?" I ask.
She laughs. "You're just in denial. You're convincing yourself that you don't have feelings for him because you're too scared to admit that you do. He's still crazy about you. I don't know why you're fighting it. You guys would be so great together!" I roll my eyes and shake my head again. There's no talking to her when she is convinced she's right about something.
"Why does it matter anyway?" I ask.
"Because I want you to be happy, Bailey. Just like me and Jake,"  she replies, as if my happiness depends on a relationship.
"Anne. You and Jake aren't even dating. You do realize that, right?"
"Not yet. But we will be. He's just working up the nerve to ask me out. I can tell he's gong to, though. Any day now." She gets this sappy look on her face. I'm a bit amused, but I'm also worried that this Jake guy has no intention of asking her out and then she'll get hurt. I hope I'm wrong.

"We haven't had a campfire since our last night at the beach," Matt says, roasting his fifth marshmallow.
"Yeah, it's been a while," I say, taking a sip of my hot apple cider. "I love to watch the flames. They're sort of mesmerizing; constantly moving and changing, yet still the same."
"I just love them for roasting marshmallows," Anne says. I think she's had more than Matt. As he puts his s'more together, Matt gets this serious look on his face, like he's thinking about something more important than marshmallows. I don't say anything, hoping he'll tell us whatever is on his mind. A few minutes of silence pass. Just when I think he's not going to say anything, he does. "Do you guys know what you want to do? I mean like, with your life?" He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, staring into the flames. Anne answers right away. "Of course. I want to open my own hair salon. What about you, Matt? I thought you were studying to be an engineer." That's what I thought, too, although ever since he told me, I haven't been sure that's the best fit for him.
"I don't know. At first I thought environmental engineering would be something I'd like, but now I don't think so. I'm thinking of dropping out." He looks as if he just dropped a bomb and now he's waiting for it to explode. But strangely, I don't feel shocked or even very surprised.
"You're going to drop out?" Anne says. She obviously is shocked. "You've only been there for like, two months. Maybe it just hasn't gotten to the interesting part yet. And then there's your dad. Can you imagine what he would say if you told him?" Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. Matt's dad is an engineer. He wants Matt to be an engineer.
"I don't really care what he'll say. It's my life, not his. What works for him might not always work for me. I don't want to waste my life trying to do something that I'm no good at and I don't even like just to please someone else." He sighs deeply. In the flickering light from the campfire, I can literally see the frustration written on his face. He rakes his hand through his hair. That must be his habit now, instead of the hair flip.
"You know what, Matthew?" I say, "I think you're right. I'm sure your dad cares about you and wants you to have a good life, but it's your decision, and you're the one who has to live with it. You should do something you love. Something you enjoy and that you're passionate about. Maybe it'll take some time to figure out what that is exactly, but so what? Who says you have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life just because you've reached a certain age? I mean, I don't know what I want to do either." I say that last part quietly. I wish I did know. I wish I knew my purpose.
"So you wouldn't think I was a failure if I quit?" he asks, looking at me expectantly. I look right into his eyes and say, "Absolutely not."