Brain Goop

I feel like writing something.

But...at the same time, I don't.

I guess I will anyway.

You know, it wasn't too long ago that I made this blog. I thought that maybe I had some thoughts soaring around in my brain that other people might actually be interested in reading. I thought maybe I could write in a way that would, possibly, cause someone to see something they never had before. Maybe I could...I don't know...say something meaningful. Or whatever.

Maybe I was kidding myself. And maybe I still am.

I've never been a "popular" person. (I didn't expect to become so on this blog either, just so we're clear.) I've never had people falling over themselves to be my friend. In fact, I've never had more than about 3 or 4 friends at one time (and that's being generous with the word "friend").

And while I'm being honest...

I've never felt very important to anyone. (Except my Mommy.)

I would love to say that I'm very self-assured. I'd love to think that I have great self-esteem. I wish I could tell you that I don't have any insecurities. But if I did, I'd be a liar. And based on what I've written above, you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Truth is...

I am insecure in who I am. I crave acceptance and friendship and love. When someone is nice to me or compliments me, I question their motives. Or I think to myself, "Eh, they're just trying to be polite. They don't really mean it."

I used to be worse. When I was a teenager I had extremely low self-esteem to the point that I was convinced that I was ugly and that must be why no boys ever talked to me and why I had very few friends. It took a long time for me to get past that and actually find some things that I liked about myself. But I still struggle. I still fight to gain confidence in myself.

Don't get me wrong; I don't mean to sound as if I believe that having many friends makes you an important person, or that your self-worth comes from how many friends you have. That's not true at all. That's also not to say that the way people treat you doesn't affect or contribute to the image you perceive of yourself. That's definitely a contributing factor.
But it's hard not to care what people say or think about you. Especially people who are important figures in your life, such as a parent, sibling, teacher, pastor, etc. And I'm sure everyone has been careless with their words and has had rotten attitudes toward someone when they should have been more careful, needing to realize that they are very capable of hurting and/or damaging someone else.

I'm also not trying to blame other people for my lack of self-esteem, so I hope I haven't given that impression. I guess what it comes down to, the point I hope I'm getting across, is that, throughout my life I've experienced certain situations and come in contact with certain people (and still am) that have all contributed to the fact that I'm not as self-assured as I wish I was.

If there was one thing that I could say to people about it, I think it would be this: look around you. Look at the people nearest to you; people you are closest to and really, honestly, try your best to evaluate your treatment of them. How do you interact with them? How do you show them that you care and love them? Is it in a way that they can understand? You may not realize how important it is to someone to show them that they are important to you. You may think, "Well of course they know they're important to me!" Do they, though? Are you sure? Try to think of the things you do on a daily basis to let the people who are most important to you know that they are loved. If you just say it but don't actually do anything to follow it up, it doesn't count. It's empty. Meaningless. I know this sounds cliche, but, "Love is a verb."

Of course, there are some people who are so entirely insecure that no matter how much you try to show them that they are valued and loved and treasured, it doesn't seem to make a difference. They refuse to believe you and wallow in self-pity and stay stuck in that place until one day they finally find it within themselves and truly believe that they are valuable. Until they get to that point, it won't matter how many times you try. The important thing though, is that you do try. Your words and actions have more power than you may realize.                 

Life Is Messy

Sometimes people don't want to talk about it.

Maybe if we pretend it isn't there, no one will know about it.

What? That you're life isn't perfect? That you don't have it all figured out? That you don't have all the answers? That you're actually...........human!? *GASP!*

So what? Life is messy. Life can get ugly sometimes. Life hurts. That's just the way it is. And I know we've all heard it a bazillion times, but, life isn't fair. It's not. It won't ever be fair. (Until Jesus comes back. ;))

So why do we act like it's not okay to not be okay? Why do we hide behind our fake smiles and lie when people ask us how we're doing? What is so terrible about being honest?

 The thing is, nobody is ever okay 100% of the time. Maybe not even 75% or 50% of the time. Life is crazy and messy and unpredictable and we've got no choice but to try to somehow get through those difficult times. We're not always going to know where we're going. We're not always going to be happy. Times will be bad. They'll suck ass. Everyone goes through crap at one point or another. So why try to hide it all the time?

It's okay to not be okay.

If I ask how you're doing, it's because I want to know. Because I actually care. It's not some pleasantry, or just, you know, shooting the breeze. Just small talk. (I hate small talk.) I ask because you're important to me and I hope you feel comfortable enough to share parts of your life with me. If you're having a crappy day and feel like shit, I want to know. I want to be there to offer a listening ear. I want you to know that someone understands. And even if it's something that, maybe I can't understand personally, I still want to be there to the best of my ability. Offer support. Or the least I could do is buy you coffee. Or, I don't know, some chicken.

I think christians especially have this mindset or whatever that it's not "normal" or "acceptable" to be without answers. For some reason we think we're supposed to be the ones with all the answers. We're supposed to be the ones out there saving souls, so we should never feel lost ourselves. We should never be not okay. We should never be depressed. We should never be unjoyful. We should never have doubts. How will anyone ever see Jesus in us if we're depressed? How will the world see God's love in us if we're unhappy for a millisecond? Aren't we supposed to have our acts together? Aren't we supposed to possess superhuman powers that prevent anything bad from happening to us? We're not supposed to be capable of experiencing things like despair, pain, loss, discouragement, anguish, sorrow, misery, dejection. We're supposed to always think positive thoughts and always have something encouraging to say.

Right?

WRONG!

Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong. Because you see, bad things do happen to good people. I don't know why. I'll never know why. I don't think anyone knows why. But that's part of life. I wish it wasn't. I really wish it wasn't. And sometimes there just isn't anything encouraging to say. Sometimes it seems like there aren't any positive things to think about. And sometimes we are broken.

And that is okay too.